


Vita Ex Nihilo

by KR Grim (KR_Grim)



Series: Nihilus [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Colony Ships, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-15
Updated: 2011-01-07
Packaged: 2017-10-11 21:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/117156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KR_Grim/pseuds/KR%20Grim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two species poised on the brink of extinction. One remaining fading hope — the two great colony ships, New Alternia and Earth Mark Two. And their unexpected meeting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Two Vessels, Both Alike in Dignity

**Author's Note:**

> holy shit. OK, this is my first attempt at writing fanfiction for something other than Golden Sun. Hopefully it's pretty cool.

**Part One: Two Vessels, Both Alike In Dignity**

“So these four can create enough genetic variation to reproduce the species?” asked the general, looking at the four teenagers in suspended animation. “Talk about your Adam and Eve scenario.”

“Actually,” replied the project’s chief scientist, “we’re going to store genetic material to make enough clones for a sustainably diverse human population in the hold. These four are just the only ones whose bodies can withstand the pressures of space travel.”

“Are you serious?”

“Long-term space travel, at any rate. I imagine they’ll be in suspended animation for the duration of the journey, but even so, they’ve got some sort of irregularity in their bodies. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were somehow clones of themselves… but that’s nonsense and idiocy.” He tapped the animation pods. “We’ve spotted a likely planet, several million light-years away. Our telescopes have seen it just now forming, so it’s likely to be habitable by now.”

“…We’re talking in a whole ‘nother galaxy, ain’t we?” asked the general.

“Of course,” replied the scientist. He finished the preparations. “Of course, we’ve included a large grist cache aboard, as well as alchemiter totems for standard foodstuffs, a punch designix, and a totem lathe. All that’s left is to hook up the cruxtruder and they’ll have all the supplies they ever need.”

“And if their grist cache runs out?”

“I’m sure they’ll find ways of getting more. Genetic irregularities like theirs attract grist-bearers.” The scientist readjusted his spectacles. “Besides, I gave them an unlimited grist cache. Or, at least, as close to unlimited as I could. There are over twelve quadrillion units of each type of grist virtually stored on board, and that’s mostly a backup precaution in case the other failsafes fail.” He grinned. “It isn’t likely, of course, but NASA has learned something about the unlikely. And that is that it’s almost certain to happen.” The ground shook.

“Yeah, well, just launch this ship before the apocalypse dooms us all.”

“Of course, sir.” The button was pressed, the ship launched deep into space, and those gathered lifted a glass of champagne. “To armageddon and rebirth,” said the scientist. “Gentlemen, we have cheated death.”

***

“All I’m saying is, why these twelve? Why not others from their generation?”

“They’re the only one from their generation,” replied the chief technician. “It’s just a miracle that they were able to spawn with a Mother Grub that badly damaged. My guess is they won’t need a Mother Grub to make more of themselves.”

“Yuk,” uttered the four-sweep-old military officer. “That’s disgusting, and you and I both know it. It’s un-fucking-natural.”

“It’s the only way to save our species from the Vast Glub,” replied the seven-sweep-old technician. “Sacrifices have to be made. We’ve got a Matriorb for when they land, just in case, but there’s not going to be any Imperial Drones or Filial Pails later. It’s just going to be them.” The technician sighed as he hit the green button. “Anyway, these freaks are gonna get a mouthful of space rock if we don’t fucking hurry. The Vast Glub will be released any moment, and unless they’re out of the galaxy by then — “

“And another thing,” said the military official. “Why are you so sure the Vast Glub is coming? I mean, the galaxy-wide meteor storms are well-known, but…”

“You recognize her?” The technician pointed to one of the suspended trolls.

“The Heiress, isn’t she? What’s that got to do with — “

“The Emissary is her lusus. And now that she’s not being fed anymore…” He let his henchman connect the dots while he fired the colony ship. “So long, you lucky death-avoiding fucks,” he muttered. “I hope your mission fails and you all rot in the silent hell of space.”

***

Two separate disasters claim two distinct planets, galaxies apart. Whole races are wiped out, with the exeption of two colony ships — the _Earth Mark Two_ , and the _New Alternia_ , both silently speeding toward each other on a direct collision course. Both unaware of their destiny. But both very aware, within, of the suspended animation pods that had been opened.

***

John Egbert twitched as he emerged from the animation pod. He’d had the weirdest dream, he was standing on a planet with eight golden towers, looking into the blue skies of an Earth he’d never see again. At least, he was fairly sure it was Earth, even if the clouds _did_ occasionally shift into weird patterns that looked vaguely like premonitions.

He looked around. He was told that when he woke up he’d be on the ship, alone with his three best friends, but he was also told it’d be on a planet. Wherever they were, it didn’t feel like any planet Egbert had ever been on. Namely, Earth. The ship was fortunate to have windows, and as he looked out, he could see stars passing by. It didn’t take long for him to realize that something was going wrong. He couldn’t reach the control room, which was probably a blessing, but he could reach the Alchemiter. He studied his sylladex carefully, pulling out his Hammerkind strife specibus. He would have to make himself a weapon, in case whatever woke him up came after him. But what… He looked through what he’d captchalogued.

The first thing that was out as an alchemizing option was the PDA. A communication hammer would be useless. Then the trick sword — a hammer that collapsed upon impact would be about as useful in defending yourself as spitting at your enemy. The playing cards were next to go, although he reminded himself that he’d have to play a game of solitaire later, once whatever this threat was had been eliminated. And then…

Of course! The Sassacre book, an item of importance as a family heirloom. And heavy enough that, according to his father, if it were dropped on your head, it would kill you. John assumed that was how his Nana had died, as he’d never met the woman and his Dad was loath to talk about her passing. The sledgehammer would be a perfect base, too, John decided. Sure, he could barely lift the thing initially, but he’d gotten better, and now was the time to step up the strength a notch. Quickly making the weapon and equipping it, he looked around, trying to find a trace of the monster that had opened his pod — because it _had_ to be a monster. The people in charge didn’t _make_ mistakes. Or so John believed.

Clearly he’d never heard of Apollo Thirteen.

After half an hour of searching, John decided that the pod had probably just malfunctioned, because honestly, monsters were stupid baby diaper shit and it would be idiocy to expect to find one on board. No, he’d probably find something else, but not a monster. Maybe a radio…. Not that there was anyone or anything to talk to. Sighing, he pulled out his PDA. It wasn’t much, but it did have Microsoft Hearts, and it always had Pesterchum open. Not that he needed that now — once his friends’ pods opened, they’d be there with him — but it was still a reminder of the great times they’d shared.

Which is why he was surprised to find someone messaging him.

 **  
_carcinoGeneticist began trolling  ectoBiologist [16:13]_   
CG: SO YOU’RE THE FIRST ONE AWAKE.  
CG: WHAT A SHOCKER.  
CG: CAPTAIN IDIOT, HERALD OF THE AWAKE BRIGADE.  
CG: CAN’T QUITE SEE WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE, BUT I KNOW YOU’RE NOT LIKE US.  
CG: COMING FROM THE WRONG DIRECTION.   
EB: um… who the hell are you?   
CG: THE LEADER OF MY LITTLE CREW.  
CG: AND THE GUY WHO’S MOST LIKELY GOING TO PUNCH YOUR FACE IN IF WE MEET.  
CG: MOSTLY BECAUSE EQUIUS WOULDN’T WANT TO KILL YOU FOR SOME FUCKED-UP REASON OR ANOTHER.   
EB: i  didn’t know that there was another colony ship sent from earth…   
CG: HOLY SHIT YOU’RE DUMB, ASSHOLE.  
CG: I’M NOT FROM YOUR LITTLE FUCKBALL EARTH.  
CG: I’M FROM A MUCH BETTER AND MORE AWESOME PLANET.  
CG: SO STOP BEFORE YOU EVEN TRY TO DEFEND IT TO ME.  
CG: I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW YOUR TROLLTAG GOT STUCK ON HERE.   
EB: …trolltag?  
EB: um, it’s a chumhandle.  
EB: and you kinda suck at this whole trolling thing.  
EB: maybe my friend dave could give you lessons.   
CG: YEAH WELL AT LEAST I’M FROM A BETTER PLANET THAN YOU ARE.  
CG: AND YOU’RE AN EVEN BIGGER IDIOT THAN YOUR CHUMHANDLE SUGGESTS.  
CG: WHAT A STUPID WORD. IT’S LIKE YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR FRIEND.  
CG: THAT’S THE KIND OF THING AN IDIOT WOULD CALL THEIR TROLLTAG.  
CG: WOW, OVER A MINUTE AND NO COMEBACK.  
CG: I MUST’VE REALY PUSHED A BUTTON THERE, HUH.  
CG: HAHAHAHA.   
_ectoBiologist blocked  carcinoGeneticist_   
**

John hit the “block” button accidentally. In truth, he hadn’t been paying attention to the conversation ever since he heard a suspended animation tube hissing open. This was the second time they’d met in the real world, but the first had basically amounted to “HI, so you’re Rose and Dave and Jade, oh wait they want us to get into the pods this early?” John nervously cleaned his glasses on his shirt and stood next to the opening pod. The blonde girl inside yawned, rubbed her eyes, and looked at him. “John?”

John grinned. Rose Lalonde was awake.

***

Karkat Vantas fumed. This human had the nerve to try and block him. And since Sollux was apparently still in hibernation mode, Karkat couldn’t bypass the block. “Fuck you,” he muttered at the screen. “Fuck you and the musclebeast you rode in on.” The old console was hardly efficient, but there were twelve of them. He presumed the Alternian technician who’d designed it had planned on them waking up and messaging back to see if there were any survivors of the Glub. But Karkat Vantas couldn’t give two shits about the Glub. So everyone was dead, so what? It was a damn sight better than them being living idiots.

The fact that _this_ idiot survived something similar, though, meant that something had gone pear-shaped. And it apparently wasn’t Alternia. He checked the ship’s log. “Hm. I bet it’s been two solar sweeps at most.”

He blinked and rubbed his eyes. That couldn’t be right. The last activity was over six million solar sweeps ago? He moved over to a different computer. It said the same thing. He looked at himself. “I _look_ like I’m six sweeps old.” He managed to find the Bioverifier and looked at a sample of his carapace. “The Bioverifier confirms it. So… I’ve been in suspended animation that long? …But if that’s the case, then how did that… alien there get the language? Honestly, this makes no fucking sense.”

He forced his way into the control room. “Time to wake everyone up. Hmm… Let’s start with Terezi. Can’t go any worse than it’s already gone with me being up.”


	2. New Alternia Calling To The Faraway Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an imminent collision is discovered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For future reference, I will update this every time I begin the chapter two chapters ahead of it (or, for the last two chapters of this story, the first two of the next one in the series, and so on, and so forth). That way I hope to avoid completion problems that I seem to get with every freaking thing I do.

**Part Two: New Alternia Calling, To The Faraway Ship**

Rose cracked open the door to the command room. Inside were four computers and a copy of the ship’s log. It looked like it had been gathering dust for a while. She hit a button on the control panel. “Ship-subjective time: 5:20 PM April 13, 2242. Earth-subjective time: 9:15 PM June 29, 3034. Ship-subjective time elapsed: Four Hundred Thirteen Years.”

“We’ve been traveling for four hundred thirteen years? Then why the hell are we still 13?” asked John. “Shouldn’t we have died from old age by now?”

“Space travel,” replied Rose. “Because of our suspended animation, the speed at which the ship travels and the amount of time it travels at that speed don’t matter. All that does matter is the time spent outside suspended animation, as within the tubes we are prevented from aging. One of the properties of Jade’s grandfather’s discovery-invention. And an unusual one as well.” Something hit John in the stomach.

“And now nobody can fix it, can they?” he asked. “I mean, the guy who invented it died two years before we left, the guy who built the ship died… well, sometime later, probably about fifty years after we left…”

Rose looked at the console. “More like fifty days at the most. John, did you know what was happening at the time?”

“No, what?” responded the clueless “captain”.

“Meteors were headed toward earth. Some big enough to be called asteroids. Earth as we knew it was probably devastated. I’m willing to bet that people died by the hundreds of thousands in the initial impacts alone.”

“So… they all died after we left?”

“Likely within a few hours,” replied Rose, fiddling with her hair. The suspended animation had worsened her split ends, and she noted that a trim would be in order. Of course, it had that day all those years ago (or, from Rose’s timeframe, yesterday) — but that didn’t mean the trim wouldn’t still be in order. She sighed. Her mother’s passive-aggressive warfare would have wound up with Rose getting her hair styled before the suspended animation if she’d complained — so, of course, she hadn’t.

The console began blinking. Rose noted that her Pesterchum account had been activated on it. Curious, she opened the window. Someone she’d never heard of before was messaging her.

 **  
_gallowsCalibrator began trolling  tentacleTherapist [17:22]_   
GC: SO 1 GU3SS 1T’S UP TO M3 TO T4LK TO YOU?  
GC: G1V3N TH4T YOUR FR13ND BLOCKED MY FR13ND 4ND NOW H3 DO3SN’T W4NT TO T4LK TO YOU  
GC: 4LTHOUGH TO B3 F41R 1’M NOT SUR3 1’D W4NT TO T4LK TO H1M 31TH3R  
GC: H3LLO? 4R3 YOU TH3R3?   
TT: Who is this?   
GC: L3T’S JUST S4Y W3’LL PROB4BLY B3 M33TING V3RY SOON.  
GC: G1V3N TH4T TH3R3’S SOM3TH1NG BLOCK1NG OUR GU1D4NC3 SYST3MS.   
TT: I see. I’m going to guess right now that it’s doubtful that you’re human.   
GC: NO W3’R3 NOT YOUR W31RD L1TTLE HUM4N SP3C13S.  
GC: W3’R3 SOM3TH1NG COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT.  
GC: 4NYW4Y, C4N YOU CH3CK YOUR GU1D4NC3 SYST3MS FOR ME?   
TT: I don’t see why I couldn’t perform that service for an alien species.   
**

Rose switched windows to the ship’s controls. “All right. Let’s see if this works.” Into the command prompt, she typed the password she had swiped from her mother. Nothing. “John, did they give you a password?”

“Um… yeah. It was… it was…” His face twisted itself into a combination of loathing and disgust. “Betty Crocker. Two words, capitalized, space between them.”

“You said that like she was your personal nemesis,” said Rose, typing it in. The system allowed her in, and she quickly navigated to the guidance subroutines. As she tried to access them, it beeped something about an administrative lock. “Any other passwords?”

“Not that I can think of.” Rose sighed, drummed her fingers against the console a couple times, then switched back to the alien’s pesterlog.

 **  
TT: It’s saying something about “Administrator Access”.   
GC: W3LL, 4T L34ST YOUR COMPUT3R 1S MOR3 H3LPFUL TH4N OURS.  
GC: OURS JUST TOLD US, “NO W4Y, 4SSHOL3S,” 4ND SHUT DOWN.  
GC: 1 LOOK3D 4T TH3 S3NSORS, 4ND 4NOTH3R SH1P SHOW3D UP 1N OUR FL1GHT P4TH.  
GC: 1 H4V3 4 SN34K1NG SUSP1C1ON 1T’S YOU.   
TT: That’s certainly a possibility. I suppose you’re going at near- or faster-than-light speeds, so a collision would be disastrous.   
GC: TO S4Y TH3 L34ST.  
GC: UNL3SS W3 C4N SLOW DOWN TH3 SH1P.  
GC: OR, HOP3FULLY, TH3 SH1P SLOWS 1TS3LF DOWN. TH4T WOULD B3 GOOD.   
TT: Indeed.  
TT: If the velocities of our ships were reduced pre-collision, we would most likely survive, provided the sudden deceleration didn’t kill us.  
TT: Of course, given the architect of our vessel, I’m fairly certain we wouldn’t even notice deceleration.   
GC: W3LL, OUR SH1PS 4R3 US3D TO SUDD3N D3C3L3R4T1ON.  
GC: SO 1F TH3Y PROGR4MM3D TH4T IN  
GC: WH1CH 1S K1ND OF 4 B1G 1F  
GC: TH3N TH3R3 PROB4BLY 1SN’T MUCH TO WORRY 4BOUT.   
TT: Right.  
TT: Well then, perhaps we would best benefit by getting to know each other.   
GC: Y3AH, 1 SUPPOS3 TH4T WOULD B3 4 GOOD 1D34.  
GC: WH4T’S YOUR N4M3?   
TT: Rose Lalonde. And you?   
**

Rose waited almost half an hour with no reply before John had found a console of his own and begun messing around. Almost immediately, he had deactivated the third pod. Rose sighed.

 **  
TT: We’ll have to continue our conversation at a later date.  
TT: My companion has just released another of our compatriots from their stasis within our ship’s hold for some unfathomable reason.   
_tentacleTherapist ceased pestering  gallowsCalibrator [18:20]_   
**

Rose sighed. “John…”

“Rose, I think it’s best if we all woke up sooner rather than later. And the thingy wouldn’t let me wake up Jade yet, so I woke up Dave.”Rose facepalmed.

“John, we need more information on these aliens first.” John shrugged.

“Well, if we need to fight them, best to have our best fighter with us, right?”

Performing a rare 2x Facepalm Combo, Rose lowered her hands and glared at John. “Look. It’s possible that we could get through this without a fight. These aliens might not be hostile.”

“I’d still rather have us all wake up as soon as possible.” John left the control room to check on Dave’s stasis pod.

“Fine. Ignore my warnings and wake Strider.” She turned back to the console. Someone different was messaging her. Someone with text slightly darker than hers.

***

Terezi Pyrope’s wake-up had triggered the release of Gamzee Makara from his pod, and the first thing he did was grab a Faygo from his sylladex and down it. Karkat was busy trying to figure out what order the computer would let him wake people in and even busier trying not to be bothered by Gamzee’s constant offerings of Faygo and some sort of green pie that looked like it was made of sopor slime. He was considering taking the drink offer when he noticed Terezi at one of the twelve consoles, her tongue having given the monitor a bath. “Terezi, what in the name of the almighty writhing bulge are you doing?”

“Communicating with these aliens on the other ship you mentioned,” she replied. “They’re giving me information about themselves. Apparently they can’t make their ship change course either.”

“So it’s a collision course. Perfect. Fucking perfect. Six million twelve thousand fucking solar sweeps, and the whole of troll society goes dead in the space of less than one bilunar perigee. Great.”

“Excuse me? We should be able to activate deceleration.”

“Which means we die in the vacuum of space instead of an impact!”

Terezi didn’t need sight to know where he was; his loud mouth was doing a good enough job of that. And her slap was strong enough that it unbalanced Karkat a little. “We might not die. I don’t think the course will kill us. And besides, don’t we have spacesuits?”

“No, no we don’t.”

“So we’ll make some. We can do that, right? We’ve got the supplies, right?”

“I suppose,” muttered Karkat. “But you can’t seriously be thinking — “

“I can and I am. You see this? This is proof that they’re not all idiots.”

Karkat looked at the screen. “Terezi, I can’t read a slobbery screen. Unlike you, my eyes are perfectly normal.”

Terezi sighed. “Her name is Rose, apparently.”

Karkat blinked. “…She gave you her name. You. Someone possibly hostile to her.”

“Karkat, you wound me. I only punish the evil, and she doesn’t seem evil.” Terezi grinned at him.

The messenger dinged twice. “I can’t read what she said,” said Karkat, trying to tell through the smudges on the screen. Terezi sniffed it. “Ugh, it’s disgusting that you actually do that. I thought you were just joking.”

“No, I wasn’t.” She shrugged. “Apparently one of her friends is acting weird.”

“Probably the idiot I was talking to earlier,” muttered Karkat.

Neither of them noticed Gamzee log on and begin trolling the first person on his list whose name didn’t look familiar.

 **  
_terminallyCapricious began trolling  tentacleTherapist [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
TC: wOaH, wHo ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN mOtHeRfUcK aRe YoU?   
TT: Beg pardon?   
TC: WiCkEd NaMe, i’M gAmZeE, nIcE tO fUcKiN’ mEeT yOu.  
TC: iT sOuNdS lIkE kArKaT aNd TeReZi ArE aRgUiN aBoUt YoU, bEg.   
TT: Oh, my name. I am Rose. I suppose you’re another one of the aliens?   
TC: fUcK iF i KnOw, I’m JuSt TrYiNg To WoRk OuT wHeRe ThE fUcK i Am.  
TC: It’S lIkE a ShIp Of SoMe SoRt, BuT wE’rE fLoAtInG iN sPaCe WiTh AlL tHeSe MoThErFuCkIn StArS aNd ShIt.  
TC: mIrAcLeS zOoMiN pAsT aT eVeRy TuRn.   
TT: I suppose it would seem that way. …What does your species call itself?   
TC: DuDe We’Re TrOlLs  
TC: yOu’Re NoT?   
TT: No, we aren’t. We’re called humans.   
TC: fUcKiN sWeEt.  
TC: YoU sOuNd KiNdA lIkE mY fRiEnD kAnAyA, sHe’S pReTtY fUcKiN aWeSoMe.  
TC: wItH aLl YoUr TrYiN tO fIgUrE sHiT oUt.   
TT: I see. Well, Gamzee, I regret to inform you, but our ship is about to crash into yours, although I am unsure as to when this event will take place.   
TC: DoN’t WoRrY aBoUt It RoSe, EvErYtHiNg WiLl WoRk OuT  
TC: :o) hOnK hOnK hOnK  
TC: It’S aLl MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClEs AnD sHiT aNd I kNoW iT’lL bE aWeSoMe.   
TT: Well, hopefully your presumption regarding your own ship will be correct, and the crash will be safe.  
TT: I suppose I’ll have to speak with my recently-awakened friend now. Until later, Gamzee.   
TC: hAhAhA lAtEr RoSe   
**

Gamzee grinned. This Rose sounded like an awesome person, and it thrilled him that he was going to get to meet her. “Hey, Karkat, check it out, I just talked to the motherfuckin’ motherfucker you and Terezi were shouting about!”

Karkat’s eyebrow twitched. “What.”

“Rose! She’s kinda like Kanaya kinda!”

Karkat’s eyebrow twitched again. “Gamzee… did you fire up Trollian?”

“Motherfucker’s gotta be doin’ what feels right up where his heart’s in, you know?” Gamzee grinned through the clown face-paint. “And anyway it ain’t like I did anything too fuckin’ big, I just talked to her. You gotta be nice to the fuckers that crash into you.”

Terezi sighed. “Well, Karkat, looks like we know who to wake up next. Press the button for Sollux’s pod.”

Karkat growled something in Troll German, pressed a button, and… “Nothing. What the hell.” He glared down at the control panel. “Let me get Sollux out here to crack through that stupid human’s blocking!” Although he jabbed at the button several times, it wasn’t until his finger slipped and pressed the button for Tavros Nitram’s release that the familiar sound of a pod hissing open drifted into the control room. “Oh fuck.”


	3. Four Conversations And A Stasis Pod

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly What It Says On The Tin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So rounding out the reference pool, we've got a Hugh Grant film. The chapter is exactly what its title says.

**Part Three: Four Conversations And A Stasis Pod**

“I still don’t understand why you want to wake her up,” muttered Karkat, pressing the button that released Vriska Serket from her pod, “but if you say so.”

“Thanks,” said Tavros. “I realize you probably don’t like her.”

“Probably?” Karkat resisted the strong urge to facepalm. “God, you’re an idiot. If I had my way, she’d be stuck in there until the universe died.”

Tavros looked uncomfortable at that suggestion. “Um… have you tried releasing anyone else?”

Karkat glared at the button that represented Sollux. “Yes. Yes I have. But no matter what the stupid computer isn’t releasing him.”

“Sollux? Um… I don’t know why it would do that…” Tavros scratched the base of his rather large horns. “But… maybe it doesn’t want to release the… um… the programmer yet because it realizes that, um, it’s going to be vulnerable.”

Gamzee laughed. “Well of course my main motherfucker,” he said, slapping Tavros on the back. “The computer wouldn’t fucking want us fucking with its insides.” He grinned. “Hey, check out this computer console.” Tavros wheeled himself over to a computer with the Taurus symbol on it. “You got a computer! Motherfucking miracles everywhere man.”

Tavros laughed. “Heh, yeah. Um… I’m gonna see who’s online.” He pressed a button. A username he’d never seen before was on.

 **  
_adiosToreador began trolling  turntechGodhead [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
AT: uMMMMMM, hELLO,  
AT: i GUESS YOU’RE ABOUT TO, uMM, cRASH INTO US,   
TG: what the hell are you talking about   
AT: wELL, iT JUST SEEMS LIKE YOUR SHIP IS, uMM, hEADED ON A COLLISION COURSE FOR OURS,  
AT: aT LEAST THAT’S WHAT kARKAT AND tEREZI SAY,  
AT: aND IF tEREZI THINKS SO, uMM, sHE’S PROBABLY RIGHT,  
TG: ok, you must be one of those aliens rose was talking about  
TG: the ones she said were going to crash into us  
TG: or some bullshit like that  
TG: sounds like one of johns stupid-ass movies  
AT: uMM, iT’S NOT A MOVIE, iT’S REAL LIFE,  
AT: aND, uMM, i GUESS YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME,  
AT: bUT THAT’S OK, bECAUSE i KNOW THAT YOU’LL FIND OUT,  
AT: pROBABLY SOONER THAN LATER,  
TG: nah, it wont affect us  
TG: youll just fly right on by and well never have to see your hideous mutated bodies  
TG: space radiations burned you to shreds and your arms and legs are a mass of scabs  
TG: probably got like three heads and seventeen eyes  
TG: maybe an extra dong, hell if i know  
AT: uHH, wHAT,  
TG: and itll basically be like youre a facehugger from alien  
TG: and im a male motherfucking sigourney weaver  
TG: all this goddamn ship needs is a cargo loader  
TG: and well be set  
AT: uMM, oKAY,  
AT: i DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THAT, bUT, uHH, iT DOESN’T MATTER  
AT: bECAUSE i GUESS WE’LL BE MEETING IF tEREZI IS RIGHT,  
TG: dammit none of my sweet gear left here, so i cant do my rad beats  
TG: lost without em  
 _adiosToreador disconnected [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
**

“Oops,” muttered Tavros. “Damn tab key, being right net to the Q.”

Karkat let out a short, derisive laugh. “Ha! Serves you right.” The door to the command room slid open, and in walked Vriska Serket, clearly pissed off.

“What the hell, Karkat. I heard over the ship’s intercom that you didn’t want me awake?” Karkat glared at her.

“I didn’t, I still don’t, I think you’re a fucking idiot, and I don’t know why you were even on this voyage to begin with!” She elbowed him hard in the stomach; as he fell backwards, his hand moved to catch himself and jammed down hard on the button keeping Kanaya in her suspended animation.

“Shut the fuck up, Karkat, or I’ll _make_ you.” They both heard the hiss of a pod opening.

Karkat pressed a button on the console. “Kanaya, if you can hear this, come to the control room.”

***

Dave was confused, and not because his conversational partner had disconnected so randomly. He figured that was just the alien’s response to his sick burns. No, it was the fact that they weren’t on a planet that was troubling him. But he couldn’t show it. He was too cool to show it. Plus, he had just managed to get an alien to disconnect from him without any problem at all. So things were pear-shaped. If anyone could handle something fucked up in the system, Dave Strider could. “I just got pestered by one of those alien troll things.”

“What was the username?” asked Rose, who had a notebook open and was writing in it.

“You really think I paid attention? The window’s still open if you want to check.” Of course, Dave could tell her the username, but he wouldn’t admit to remembering it. The alien was lame, and he swore Rose called him a troll — but no troll could be that shitty at trolling. “So John, what the hell did you wake us up for?”

“Well, I woke you up because I figured we all needed to be awake sooner or later, and Rose kinda woke up on her own. Otherwise… well, I would’ve done that whole “Alone in space” thing. You know, drawing pictures on your pods, playing with the tube food — “

Dave cut him off. “I don’t think they have tube food on this ship, John.” He paused. “You were thinking about mimicking one of your shitty movies, weren’t you?”

“…Maybe,” replied John. He turned to his console and powered it up. “At any rate, we’ve gotta wait a little while before Jade’s pod capsule thing opens.” He pressed a couple buttons on the console and brought up Solitaire. “Not like there’s anything else to do.” A Pesterchum window flashed in front of him.

 **  
_terminallyCapricious began trolling  ectoBiologist [20:31]_   
TC: hAhA, tHiS iS bItChAsS mOtHeRfUcKiN wIcKeD   
EB: huh?   
TC: OkAy, WhO aRe YoU, mY mOtHeRfUcKiN bRoThEr?   
EB: um… john. you?   
TC: gAmZeE, hEy, Do YoU kNoW rOsE?  
TC: OnLy HeR cOmPuTeR’s ApPaReNtLy OfF, sO i CaN’t AsK hEr ThE qUeStIoN mY mOtHeRfUcKiN bRo KaRkAt WaNtEd Me To AsK yOu GuYs  
TC: sInCe YoU lIkE bLoCkEd HiM oR sOmEtHiNg AnD hE cAn’T fUcKiN gEt ArOuNd It   
EB: oh, i can fix that, just give me his chumhandle.   
TC: nO fUcKiN pRoBlEm DuDe  
TC: CaRcInOgEnEtIcIsT iS wHaT tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR gOeS bY   
EB: oh, i blocked him?   
**

John checked his chumroll. Sure enough, there was someone blocked. “Huh. Must’ve been on accident.” He clicked the unblock button. “There, that oughta do it.”

 **  
EB: he should be ok to message me again, sorry about that.   
TC: nAh, It’S aLl FuCkIn ChIlL bEtWeEn Us, JoHn  
TC: aNyWaY, hE sAyS hE dOeSn’T wAnT tO tAlK tO yOu RiGhT nOw, bUt He WaNtS tO aSk RoSe If, Uh, HaNg On  
TC: He WaNtS tO aSk HeR iF sHe CaN fIx A bRoKeN cOmPuTeR bEcAuSe ApPaReNtLy OuRs IsN’t ReLeAsInG hIs BeSt MoThErFuCkIn BrO sOlLuX   
EB: um, our computer’s acting up too, and rose isn’t exactly a computer whiz  
EB: you might want to ask dave, though   
TC: NaH, i’Ll JuSt TeLl KaRkAt YoU aLl DoN’t KnOw AbOuT tHiS mUsClEbEaSt ShIt  
TC: iT’lL aLl Be CoOl  
TC: AfTeR aLl, We’Re In MoThErFuCkIn SpAcE aNd ShIt   
EB: all right, i still think you should ask dave but whatever   
TC: mAyBe My MoThErFuCkIn HuMaN fRiEnD  
TC: LaTeR  
TC: :o) hOnKhOnKhOnK   
EB: hahaha   
_terminallyCapricious ceased trolling ectobiologist [20:39]_   
**

John grinned. This Gamzee guy was a lot funnier-sounding than that other alien. “Karkat”, he’d called him. “Hey, Rose, are you recording names on your pad too?”

“I could,” she said. “Of course, that would not negate the need for introductions upon our ships’ collision, and might in fact increase the likelihood of miscommunication and other assorted overused tropes.”

Dave readjusted his Stiller shades. “I still think we’re gonna miss ‘em. Why the hell would we have been programmed to crash into another space ship?”

“I think that’s the question they’re asking over there,” replied John. “I mean, that’s the only thing I can think of.”

“It’s possible that some outside entity forced this,” replied Rose. “I am unsure as to whether such an entity could be a part of this plane of existence, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we are clearly dealing with something beyond our immediate control, and the best course to take is preparation.”

“I guess,” said Dave, feigning nonchalance. He was glad his hair was naturally dirty blond; it made the sweat hard to spot. The shades also helped cover up the sweating he was doing, as did the dark light and the already-permeable smell of John’s and Rose’s BO. “And don’t they have a shower on this ship? I mean, I don’t really want to smell you guys sweating.”

“…I never thought to check,” said John. Rose sighed.

“The washrooms have no showering facilities attached, and at any rate, the hold does not contain  shampoo, merely a set of index cards and alchemiter totems. The index cards indicated that none of the totems contained shampoo, though one does have dish soap.”

Dave sighed. “You get a toilet but no shower? What the hell, NASA. A shower’s the first thing we’d need.”

“It would probably also be the most difficult thing to engineer for a spacecraft, even one such as ours with partial artificial gravity.” Rose idly pressed the button that would release Jade from her pod. An error popped up on her console screen: “Unable to process request. Oxygen recycling not yet raised to four-person habitability levels.” Rose blinked. “Well. It appears that for the forseeable future, it will be merely us three.”

“Yeah, awesome, but that doesn’t solve the shower problem.” He leaned against the wall. “Speaking of which, we have any idea how they’re gonna crash into us?”

“Nope,” said John. He looked around, tapped his foot on the cold steel floor a couple times, and looked at his computer’s clock. Even though it hadn’t been in suspended animation, it was still running. More importantly, though… “Oh, fuck, it’s been _hours_ since I last ate…”

“You mean centuries, right?” asked Rose.

“No, hours,” said John. “Those centuries don’t count, I was asleep.”

Dave decided not to get involved. After all, conversations like this were boring. Who cares if it was four hundred years or fourteen hours? John hadn’t felt those four hundred years, he was still thirteen as far as Dave could tell, and, well… he was probably hungry. The growl that escaped John’s stomach only further proved Dave right.

“Whatever,” he said. “I’m going to get some food. Dave, want to come with me?”

“Why the fuck would I want to do that?” asked Dave. “It’s not like you’re going to get lost forever in the bowels of the ship.”

“Heh. Yeah, I just figured you’d say something about splitting up in space.” Dave lowered his shades and narrowed his eyes at John.

“John, do you really think there’s a facehugger on board that wouldn’t have already broken into our sleeping pods? Honestly.”

John shrugged. “Just wondering,” he said. Dave pushed his glasses back up his nose and rolled his eyes.

It was a few minutes after John had left that Dave and Rose received simultaneous messages.

 **  
_arachnidsGrip began trolling  turntechGodhead [21:18]_   
AG: Heeeeeeeelloooooooo, huuuuuuuuman.  
AG: You’re in our way, you idiot. Move your ship.  
AG: Otherwise I’ll eradic8 you and your crew.   
TG: our ship is moving, dumbass   
AG: You know what I mean.  
AG: You’re a8out to collide with us.   
TG: yeah, see, i dont think so  
TG: your friend said that too, and he sounds like a moron  
TG: so if youre listening to him then youre probably wrong   
AG: What, Tavros? Naaaaaaaah. He’s actually pretty smart, for an idiot.  
AG: And anyway, it was the others who said we’re a8out to crash into you.   
TG: yeah right   
AG: Of course I’m right!  
AG: I’m alwaaaaaaaays right. ::::)   
TG: whatever   
AG: So........ Move your goddamn ship.   
TG: you move yours   
AG: We can’t, moron.   
TG: then i guess were just gonna have to play chicken   
AG: See if I care.   
_arachnidsGrip ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [21:44]_   
TG: okay  
TG: fuck did you just ninja disconnect from me  
TG: not cool bro   
**

***

As Vriska began contacting someone on the other ship, Kanaya settled at her computer and began talking to one of the human ship’s members.

 **  
_grimAuxiliatrix began trolling  tentacleTherapist [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
GA: So I See There Is Someone Else Out There  
GA: If This Is Indeed True Then I Suppose It Will Be Necessary To Introduce Myself  
GA: In Case We Survive The Crash   
TT: That seems reasonable.   
GA: My Name Is Kanaya  
GA: What About Yours   
TT: My name is Rose.  
TT: I would normally express congeniality at our meeting, but as we are about to collide into each other this does not seem the appropriate moment for that.   
GA: I Would Agree  
GA: I Must Speculate On Why Our Computers Were Linked To Yours  
GA: It Seems Someone Or Something Is Expecting Us To Survive This Crash  
GA: And If That Is The Case They Would Want Us To Cooperate   
TT: That does seem likely.  
TT: Of course, the identity of whoever would be able to lock our trajectories from us is something I’d be unwilling to speculate on.   
GA: I Imagine It Is Some Being Beyond Our Understanding  
GA: But Of Course I Could Be Wrong   
TT: No, I believe that may be exactly what we’re dealing with.  
TT: It would be prudent to figure out just what sort of entity we may be dealing with.  
TT: Unfortunately, my tome of eldritch horrors doesn’t mention ones that desire cooperation.   
GA: I Don’t Think Any Of Us Have Such A Book  
GA: Well At Any Rate I Think We Should Go Back To Working On Preparing For The Crash  
GA: Until Next Time   
TT: Farewell.   
_grimAuxiliatrix ceased trolling  tentacleTherapist [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
**

Kanaya got up from her chair and looked at the buttons. “Hmm. So the tubes have been opening based on these buttons?”

“Yeah,” said Karkat. “But the problem is that the buttons don’t fucking correspond to fucking _anything!_ ” He pointed to the six that were currently fully depressed. “You. Me. Tavros. Gamzee. Terezi. Bitch-hag. Other than there being three guys and three girls, I have no clue if it’s trying to make a pattern or what.”

“My name’s Vriska, shit-grub.” Karkat shrugged at her response. “If you’re thinking this is moving us toward a more calignous relationship — “

“Pff. Like you’re worthy of being my kismesis.” He ignored her and looked at the four rows of buttons. “I seriously don’t know what to do.”

“Hmm. Well, there are three boys and three girls remaining. Anyone who hasn’t worked so far?” asked Kanaya.

“Sollux’s button won’t work, but I’d rather not go around punching random buttons.” Karkat sighed. “Fuck, if only I had an idea.”

“Let’s see. If we look at it in terms of wriggling days… the one before myself is Equius.” She pressed the button, which depressed fully. The familiar hiss of a pod opening echoed in their ears.

“Wriggling day? Are you fucking kidding me?” asked Karkat.

“No. It’s the most obvious solution. You’re the youngest, followed by Terezi, followed by Gamzee, followed by Tavros, then Vriska, then myself. Equius is the next-oldest.” She looked at the buttons. “I know Sollux is the oldest of us. I’m just not sure who the next-oldest is.”

“Stupid goddamn seven-sweep-olds, making the buttons depend on age. As if that matters to us.” Karkat growled. “The one after him is Nepeta. In the meantime… I guess I’ll have to raid the storage holds for food.”


	4. Weekend At Aradia's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, talking to dead people becomes less creepy when they talk back. Also, something adorable this way comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's another movie reference. Also, we finally get around to waking the last people (well, OK, trolls) for a few chapters.

**Part Four: Weekend At Aradia’s**

“Explain to me how you got fruit gushers again?” asked Dave, popping a handful in his mouth.

“Well,” said John, laying on his back in the corridor outside the control room, “I had them in my sylladex, so I just alchemized a whole bunch with the stuff in the hold.”

“Makes about as much sense as anything else. So they’ve got other stuff down there too?” asked Dave. Dave was sitting cross-legged, his back to the control room door, which was shut.

“Yeah, but no tube food. Or meat. Which I thought was kinda odd, but oh well.” John popped another gusher in his mouth. “I would’ve liked to have some tube food.”

“That shit probably tastes nasty,” said Dave idly, finishing off his box of gushers. “…Man, I wish I had some apple juice.” John chuckled. “What?”

“Man, you just reminded me of that scene in Little Monsters — “ John ducked as Dave threw the empty cardboard box at him; the box still got him square between the eyes.

“Wonder what Rose is doing in there.”

“Probably talking with one of the trolls,” replied John. “That, or she really had to go.” Dave rolled his eyes.

“John, she wouldn’t piss on the controls. The restroom is over there anyway,” he added, pointing over to his right. “But seriously, man. Rose wouldn’t go in there, she’d go in the bathroom.”

“Yeah, I was just trying to think of why she’d be in there if it wasn’t the trolls.” He suddenly sat up. “I got it! She’s trying to get us to not crash into those aliens!”

“You actually believe her about that?” scoffed Dave. “Jegus, John, that’s the dumbest bullshit I ever heard.” Of course, Dave wouldn’t admit that he felt that not only was it almost certain to happen, but that they’d have to be combat-ready when they faced down the trolls. “Honestly. Aliens crashing a spaceship into us. I don’t know which of your dumbass movies this is, and I don’t _want_ to know.” He sighed, stood up, and began walking down the hall to the left. He didn’t hear John follow him, which he took to be a good thing. He didn’t want John to see this. Not that it was something he’d ever done before, but…

Dave sighed as he entered the room. Jade’s capsule looked more like a coffin than a sleeping chamber. A bed under glass. He put a hand over where her arms were crossed hugging one of her absurd pointless Squiddle dolls. The cold hard glass kept them apart, and it made him angry. Angry enough that if the environment were stable and his fist were strong enough, he’d just shatter the glass and wake her like that. Seeing her there, asleep in an almost deathlike trance, with her waxy complexion, frightened him. Only her continued breathing reassured him that she was still alive. “Sleep tight, Jade. We’ll wake you up before the crash.” Patting the coffin, he summoned his strength and turned away. It was time for him to be going.

***

Equius was off in a dusty old corner of the ship tinkering with his robots again. He knew the secret behind Aradia’s sudden emotionless nature and jerky movements — had known for a good year now, ever since he had heard Vriska’s joyous shout of “Haha! Take that, you dumb dead bitch!” They had made a pact, after her head had cooled and he had informed her that he had heard her shout, that they would build Aradia a soulbot. And until then, she would do as she had done, manipulating her body and being all jerking about with it.

The six million solar sweep voyage had put a dent in Equius’s plan to give her the soulbot before they took off. He would have to do it now, and she would be so grateful she would love him… finally his disgusting crimson leanings, red as her old putrid blood, would be fulfilled. All that was required now was for Aradia’s pod to be opened.

Karkat had pulled up a personnel dossier in order to find out their ages — so Vriska had told him, having overheard it herself. Equius knew who was due to be awakened next, which was why, once he had finished the preparations, he brought the soulbot into the stasis chamber. Twelve pods, seven opened, greeted him. He looked around, finally spotting Aradia’s and parking himself outside it. The thick opaque glass meant he couldn’t see in, but he was certain that —

“Warning,” said the pod. “Pod’s seal compromised. Pod’s contents may have decomposed.” As Equius looked in, he shook his head. There were no decomposing bacteria therein. At least, there shouldn’t have been. Although her body did look shriveled, the carapace looking fossilized. Equius quickly removed the Soulbot from his sylladex. “Here, Aradia. Enter this vessel.”

The robot’s eyes flickered to life. The heart — now pumping a blood just as noble a blue as Equius’s — beat a steady rhythm as the robotic Aradia awakened. “Equius… wait… what did you do…” The male troll’s confused stare spoke volumes. “What did you do to me?! You… you cretin! You made me love you!”

“Aradia,” he said, “it was because you deserve —”

Aradia ripped her still-beating heart from her robotic chest and smashed it in Equius’s face. “THIS HEART IS NOT MINE!” she shouted. “THIS IS _YOUR_ SICK AND TWISTED REDROM FANTASY! AND I WILL NOT BE PARTY TO YOUR RED LEANINGS!” Again she smashed the heart in his face, unleashing the rage she had felt against blue-bloods, against Vriska, against Equius for doing this to her. Rage was not a new emotion, but it was one she had not felt in such a long time, and now the soulbot was making impulse control harder.

“Aradia,” coughed Equius. She kicked his stomach.

“You want me to have feelings for you? To be romantic with you? Do you have any idea what your kind did to me?! And you think we can be redder than my blood?” She belted him, grabbed his horns, thrust his face violently toward hers, and kissed him. “My feelings for you are as black as it is possible for them to come, Equius Zahhak,” she snarled, throwing him aside like a limp rag. “I would never feel even the palest of leanings toward a blue-blood.” Equius watched as she left him there on the floor in a stunned heap, her perfect teeth still slightly stained with his almost-perfect blood.

As he got up, he coughed a little. Blue blood leaked slightly from the corner of his mouth. “But Aradia… I built you a body… what do I have to do to make you feel matespritship for me…”

***

 **  
TT: So what you’re saying is, apparently she was formerly deceased, but now her soul resides within a robot.   
GC: TH4T’S 4BOUT R1GHT.  
GC: 1’M NOT SUR3 WH4T 3QU1US S41D TO H3R, BUT SH3 4PP4R3NTLY D1DN’T W4NT TO H34R 1T.   
TT: I’m still somewhat amazed by the fact that nobody realized she was a ghost until now.  
TT: Surely something would have tipped you off.   
GC: 4LL TH3 CLU3S S33M OBV1OUS 1N R3TROSP3CT.  
GC: UNT1L YOU T4K3 1NTO 4CCOUNT TH3 F4CT TH4T NON3 OF US H4D 3V3R S33N H3R 4FT3R TH3 1NC1D3NT.  
GC: 3XC3PT P3RH4PS SOLLUX, 4LTHOUGH 1’M NOT SUR3 WHY H3 WOULDN’T T3LL 4NY OF US.   
TT: I suppose you’ll have to ask him when he finally awakens.   
GC: Y34H, PROB4BLY.  
GC: 1T’S NOT L1K3 W3 C4N’T 4SK H3R, BUT TH4T S33MS 4 B1T CR33PY 1F YOU 4SK M3.   
TT: Asking the dead person why her boyfriend didn’t tell you she was dead? Only somewhat.   
GC: H3H3H3  
GC: 4NYW4Y ROS3 1 H4V3 TO TRY TO G3T OUR SH1P’S GU1D4NC3 SYST3MS R3SPONS1VE. 4G41N.  
GC: 1T WON’T WORK BUT K4RK4T 1S 4 P41N 1N TH3 4SS TO D34L W1TH.  
GC: SO 1 DON’T R34LLY H4V3 4 CHO1C3 UNL3SS 1 W4NT H1M WH1N1NG 4T M3.  
GC: WH1CH WOULD 4DM1TT3DLY B3 FUN FOR TH3 F1RST F3W M1NUT3S.  
GC: BUT 1T WOULD G3T BOR1NG R4TH3R QU1CKLY.   
TT: Well then, good luck. It sounds like you have quite the needy friend there.   
GC: Y34H, W3LL, YOU L34RN TO D34L W1TH 1T PR3TTY QU1CKLY WH3N YOU’R3 FR13NDS W1TH H1M.   
TT: Farewell, then.   
_tentacleTherapist ceased pestering  gallowsCalibrator [02:12]_   
**

“I wonder.” She pressed a button on her console and input the password again. “Let’s see… here it is.” She clicked on an icon marked “Seal Integrity Test”. A low hum could be heard throughout the ship. Eventually, it beeped at her.

“Seals on pods one, two, and three broken,” it reported. “Seal on pod four remains. Seal Integrity uncompromised.” She pressed another button. “Oxygen levels currently capable of supporting three point five humans for average life expectancy of eighty years. Pod remaining sealed.” Rose sighed. She pressed another button. “Oxygen recycling rate cannot increase given current air capacity.” She pressed another button, pulling up another window. “Time to oxygen levels stabilizing for four humans, twenty hours.”

“Apparently,” she said. “And time to collision is… thirty-six hours. Well, at least Jade will be awake before we crash into the other ship.”

***

 **  
EB: so yeah i guess i can understand that, says john looking up at the metal ceiling.   
AC: :33 > *she nods and grins*  
AC: :33 > *that sounds about right! she says*  
AC: :33 > *she pawses as she looks around*   
EB: john doesn’t know what she’s looking at.  
EB: he presumes it’s the inside of the space ship she’s on.   
AC: :33 > *and john would be purrsuming correct!*  
AC: :33 > *nepeta curls up in a ball in john’s lap*   
EB: john finds this to be absolutely the most adorable thing ever.  
EB: john is just glad for his pda.  
EB: my friend rose locked herself in there earlier.   
AC: :(( > *oh no she says*  
AC: :33 > *i think you already said that she purrs*  
AC: :33 > *nepeta bats at your nose playfully and lets out a little giggle*   
EB: yeah, i know, but it’s kinda frustrating.  
EB: i mean, what’s she doing in there?   
AC: :33 > *nepeta shrugs*  
AC: :33 > *human females are such strange cr33tures she says*  
AC: :33 > *she wraps her tail around john’s arm and keeps it there*   
EB: hehehe  
EB: john scratches her behind the ears  
EB: i think i heard the door opening, sorry but i have to go   
AC: :33 > its okay  
AC: :33 > ill talk to you later john! :33   
EB: hehehe bye   
**

Nepeta kept the window open. The chat session with John had been fun and exciting and neater than seeing Equius lying on the ground (although she’d dragged him into the command room). She saw Karkat at one of the terminals and immediately pounce-hugged him. “KARKAT HI!”

“Ohshitfuck!” Karkat pushed her off him. “God. Why the hell are you so energetic? Oh wait, you’re always energetic. So damn annoying.”

Nepeta frowned, and her hood seemed to frown with her. “You’re not usually this grumpy in chat.”

“You don’t usually drag unconscious blue-bloods into the room,” replied Karkat. “What the hell happened to him? Not that this asshole didn’t get what was coming to him, but he looks like he got hoofed in the face by a musclebeast on a rampage.”

Nepeta ignored Karkat’s remark and flicked his horns. “Wow, nubby little horns, does that mean you have a nubby little — “

“What my genitalia look like is of no concern to you.” He glared, looking around and eventually spotting Aradia. “I think I see what happened to Equius,” he said, looking at the blue blood splattered on Aradia’s robot chest and heart. “Wow, he must have some sort of fucked-up concuspience if he let her beat him up like that. I’d guess he’s about as black for her as you can get. Probably even dipping into red on occasion.”

“Bleh, you and your blackrom. Do we even need that anymore?” Nepeta turned around and saw Terezi, and immediately ran up to the blind girl and hugged her from behind.

“Hell if I know. There’s a matriorb in the hold, I suppose we’ll all pair off eventually and douse the mother grub that hatches from it in our genetic material.” Nepeta frowned.

“Can we even do that? I mean, it’s an old matriorb, what if it isn’t — “

“We’ll figure out a way,” responded Terezi. “So I guess you met the aliens?”

“Yeah. I met John!” Karkat grumbled something unintelligible. “He’s fun! He roleplayed with me with no prompt other than me starting it!”

“In other words,” said Terezi, “he started because that’s how you introduced yourself to him?”

“Um… maybe.” Nepeta circled one foot around the floor. “I mean, it’s not like I do that with everyone.”

“Yes you do,” responded Karkat. “I’ve seen logs from practically everyone. You totally do.” He glared at the username of the person she’d been chatting with. For some reason, one conversation was enough to make him hate this idiot more than he’d ever hated anyone in his entire life.

But now was not the time for that. Now was the time for action. For decisiveness. Now was the time to wake up Eridan Ampora and…

The button wouldn’t stay down. The screen printed out a warning message — well, what passed for a warning message on this ship, anyway. “Fuck off, bulgelicker. The oxygen levels are going to be too low if his pod opens and as much as I would love to let your own stupidity doom you, that would kill off our whole race. So his pod stays closed until the fucking air system can handle all twelve of you nooksniffers.” Karkat was sorely tempted to put his shoe through the screen. First it was arranging them in wriggling order, and now this bullshit? No. This was too much.

Karkat put his head in his hands and sighed. “I need a drink.”


	5. There Are Times When All The Ship's Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nighttime, when we all dream — even those who aren't technically supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time the reference is Supertramp. What can I say, I like their music. Especially _The Logical Song._ But that's neither here nor there. This chapter brought to you by Series Exposition. Series Exposition: When Setup Is Needed, We'll Be There.

**Part Five: There Are Times When All The Ship’s Asleep**

Rose Lalonde had had several unusual dreams in her life. Mostly, they were filled with elder gods, or hauntingly inhuman music, or other eldritch phenomena sane people weren’t supposed to dream about. This time, however, her dream was a little more tangible, a little more real, and almost familiar in a déjà vu kind of way.

She was on a planet of darkness, watching people — black, shiny people — bustle around, doing their daily business. And yet, somehow, she felt insubstantial. It was almost as though she wasn’t supposed to be there — yet there she was. Upon a dark planet, with her long-deceased cat Jaspers on her shoulder.

She floated down to the ground. Someone — or something — was looking at her. It looked tall and imperious, and it pointed toward the great blue-sky object overhead. Rose could see it clearly, could see the small dots streaking toward it and getting absorbed. And as she floated toward it, another shape could be made out, that of a grand four-man chess table, with four grandiose men standing moving the pieces.

The black one, who appeared to have a hard shell exterior, turned and gazed at her for a few moments. Seemingly satisfied, he turned back to his game. Rose floated over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Just as she figured it would, her hand passed through the shoulder. She took her time to examine them.

The largest, by far, was crimson, and his form seemed semi-fluid, as though he were made of congealing blood. Rose saw him pick up a blood-red pawn, swirl it between his bloody fingers, and place it in the same square as one of Black’s knights. A second blood-red pawn soon joined it. And then a third. Then the Blood King — the name came unbidden to her — picked up the black knight, and crushed it in his hand. “Your move,” he said, and his voice was a guttural, throaty thing. White glanced at him and nodded.

The white player seemed to be made of the same shell-like substance as the black player. He was as rotund as the black player, and they seemed to be mirror images of each other. He placed a rook on the board from somewhere, then moved two slightly malformed pawns opposite a square holding two black rooks. He then picked up one of the green pawns that stood opposite his rook and threw it over his left shoulder. “Move,” he commanded, turning to the green player. His voice sounded regal, and she could understand why the name White King rose in her mind.

Green’s player was as green as his pieces, but he appeared less regal than the others, and more like a mafia don or a mob boss of a different sort. He dropped two knights on the board, then snapped his fingers. Rose saw a huge meteor rush toward the blue sky-looking place. A portal opened and snapped it up — and she recognized the portal’s destination. It was over her house. The meteor’s landing was visible to her. Its impact crushed her house, smashed into the falls, flattened trees around the newly-formed crater.

Green smirked, then grabbed Rose by the scruff of her neck. “Back to Derse with you, dreaming interloper,” he muttered, flicking her through the Blood King’s insubstantial form and toward the violet planet she had awakened on — Derse, he had called it. The impact hadn’t hurt, but… his fingers had somehow not felt substantial, despite flinging her through his compatriot. Was he able to interact with that which could not be felt? So many questions, and nobody to answer them. Except perhaps… Rose went off in search of the person who had seen her on this planet, and directed her to the four kings.

***

The first thing that struck Dave as odd was that he was dreaming about a green planet. Not Earth-green, where there were trees and water and all that. Well, to be fair, there was probably water here. The bigger problem was that everything, absolutely everything except Dave, was green. Also that Dave was ghostlike, but he could handle that. The green was a bit more difficult. Not that he didn’t like green, but this was too much.

Which is why the thing that appeared in front of him, white sphere with no face for a head, had shocked him. It was shaped like a man, but… its head was a giant white ball. It shifted while standing still, its body moving from place to place and almost fading into the green of the background, crackling on occasion.

Dave looked it in the eye as best he could, given that it had no eyes. “What are you looking at?” he asked it. It snapped its fingers. It then pointed at the blue thing floating off in the middle of the sky, like a blue sun. “Pff. And if I don’t go there?” Its hand crackled with deadly green energy, and it pointed again at the sky. The punch to his stomach was almost invisible, but it hurt like hell. “OK, OK, I got it, jegus.” Dave leapt up, flying toward the center.

The blue sky thing had a small planet in its center, decorated like a chessboard overlaid on top of Earth. He could see beings of four colors waging war on its surface. Spaceships bristling with guns acted as troop dropships, unloading biological siege engines and warriors of all sorts. Dave drew his katana from his strife specibus and began flying over, trying to figure out what they were fighting to protect. Only it didn’t make any sense, because no matter where he went, there was either fighting or nothing. No area was safe, for some reason. So why were these troops fighting on the planet?

The cue-ball headed person from the green planet suddenly appeared next to him. “I suppose, young spectre, you are wondering what is going on.” His voice — because the voice was definitely male — echoed around in Dave’s head. “Allow me to explain. This is Skaia. The domain of infinite potential. And the battlefield of the eternal war.” Cue-ball’s tone suggested he was smiling at Dave. “Now then. I did not mean for you to come here and see this before it was time.” He picked up Dave by the front of his shirt. “Back to Ferrule with you.” And, with incredible strength, he threw Dave halfway to the green planet before Dave had managed to right himself and stop his midair flight.

“Yeah, right. Like I’m going back there. I’m gonna see what else is up with this ass-backwards place.”

***

John dreamt of a golden planet, sparkling in the light of a bright blue sky-like world. That same sky he’d seen in his dreams before he had awakened on the ship. He looked out the other way. There was a massive asteroid belt, much bigger than the solar system’s. It looked cold, dead, and lifeless, compared to the inviting blue of the blue sky area. As he tried to float toward it, though, someone appeared in front of him. She was tall, white, and dressed in royal garb. She laid a hand on his shoulder, which he tried to shrug off.

The hand didn’t move, instead floating through his shoulder as if he weren’t there. She pointed then toward the asteroid belt, her eyes filled with concern. John nodded and, with the kind of speed you only get in dreams, flew off toward the asteroids.

There were thousands — no, millions — no, _billions_ of them. Just floating there. And he could see buildings on some of them, and on others there seemed to be… he couldn’t quite tell what all of them were. He was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of building someone or some _thing_ had done on these asteroids. It was almost enough to… He glanced around. Someone had seen him come. A red-skinned man in a labcoat. At least, John thought this man could see him. He was certainly looking at John as though he could.

After a few uneasy moments of trading stares, the red being — the back of his mind provided the name “Hematese” — walked back into the building he’d been in. John followed him, curious now what this Hematese wanted.

On his desk was a letter. John couldn’t read it, of course, but it seemed upsetting to the Hematese. And while he had no idea what was within, he knew that if this being had seen him, he would probably be in a lot of trouble. He wasn’t supposed to be out here, after all. At least, so he figured. But it was still a good idea to watch, to allow his dream to finish his recuperation.

***

Jade had not dreamed in four hundred thirteen years. Sleeper pods normally gave dreamless sleep, lest the subject be driven insane by the length of time that passed in their dreams. But now, she dreamed. And her dream terrified her.

The planet she dreamed herself on was blood red, and so were its citizens. She could see a warm blue realm, but in the light of the blood world, it seemed to instead cash a shadow of fear over the populace. She floated away, hoping not to attract any attention. Tethered to the planet was a blood-red moon. On it were four towers, each with a ruby orb set atop the spire. She felt a pull from one of the towers and, not wanting to remain on the planet any longer, she flew towards the moon.

The tower was less the color of blood and more that of sandstone as she floated up to it. She could sense someone else there, someone watching her as she carefully looked at the grand stonework of the red sandstone. She turned. Standing before her was a red-skinned, red-haired man. He appeared to be made of flame and ruby, and dried blood covered his clothes, his weapon, and the whole of his face and hair. He glared at her. “Interloper,” he said, drawing a dagger from his belt. “Your arrival means nought but harm for us,” he said, stepping forward as she backed into the tower. “You can’t hide in there forever, child of the forsaken planet.”

Jade flew away, off the moon and away into the black depths of space. Perhaps here, nobody would spot her. Perhaps here, she would be — “Jade?” She turned. Floating there was Dave, reliable Dave, her close friend and not-so-secret crush.

“Hi,” she said. She still sounded somewhat shaken from her run-in with the ghastly alien being. “Are you having a nice sleep? We must almost be at our destination if the computer is letting me dream!”

Dave sighed. “About that… apparently we’re on a collision course with another ship. But thankfully, John, Rose, and I were awakened. We’ve been trying to wake you up, but your pod refused to open.”

Jade frowned. “I wonder why,” she said.

“I have no fucking clue,” said Dave. “I just hope you’ll be able to wake up soon.” It took Jade a moment to realize that he was hugging her, despite the fact that they were both intangible. Awkwardly, she hugged him back.

She giggled a little. “I’m glad you’re worried about me,” she said. “So… how are we sharing a dream?”

“No idea,” said Dave. He looked out at the ring of asteroids surrounding them. “And I’m not sure I want to know.”

***

Nepeta crouched silently, walking through the streets. Someone, or something, was there, walking the streets she was dream-stalking. She leapt, pouncing on girl and cat. “Hello!” she said. “You don’t look like these thingies!” She pointed at the black-carapaced beings milling around them. She took a closer look. This person’s hair was yellowy, she — at least, Nepeta was fairly certain she was a she — had pink fleshy bits instead of a gray carapace, and she didn’t have horns.

“And you don’t look like anything I’ve ever seen,” replied the person she was currently pounced on. “Are you a troll, by any chance?”

“Oh! Oh! You must be one of the aliens!” Nepeta grinned. “I’m Nepeta. You’re not John, are you? You don’t sound like him.”

“Sorry to disappoint. I’m Rose.” Rose looked at the ghost of her childhood cat. “This is Jaspers.” She paused. “So you’ve been speaking with John, then?”

“A little! He’s a fun boy!” Nepeta rolled off Rose and jumped up. “Hey! I have an idea! Is John asleep?”

“Probably.”

“Let’s go find him and… wait… no, we’re asleep. And he might not be dreaming with us.” The young troll girl looked crestfallen.

“The fact that we are currently dreaming in a shared dreamspace suggests that John might be here somewhere as well.” Rose smiled. “Come. This planet is apparently called Derse. Let’s search for our friend.”

“Yay!” Nepeta grinned, and began running off on all fours. Sure, she was probably faster than Rose and Jaspers, but this was a dream! If they wanted they could fly alongside her! Her grin widened as she imagined pouncing on John in a ballistic hello.

***

John yawned and stretched. The ship time was apparently 4:13 PM. Same time as he’d first gotten that pester from the troll alien, one day later. He walked into the command room. Rose was asleep there, her head resting on a keyboard and her face fixed in a small smile, peaceful in sleep. He ruffled her hair and crept out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar and placing a bucket with a box of Fruit Gushers inside on top of it. The pranks was really too good to resist.

It was about then he noticed his PDA beeping frantically at him. He pulled it out and checked to see who the message was from. The name wasn’t on Rose’s list to trolls, so he opened the conversation.

 **  
_centaursTesticle began trolling  ectoBiologist [16:13]_   
CT: D --> I suppose you are the human known as John  
CT: D --> Nepeta has informed me that you participate in and encourage her shenanigans   
EB: if you mean roleplaying with her then yeah.  
EB: i think it’s kinda fun.   
CT: D --> It is a silly and childish thing she should have outgrown several sweeps ago  
CT: D --> Your childish human customs irritate me, John  
CT: D --> I order you to stop f001ing around with Nepeta   
EB: i don’t think that means what you think it means.   
CT: D --> Cease this f001ishness, John, or there WILL be trouble   
EB: see, that got your point across.  
EB: the other one sounded like i was having sex with her.   
CT: D --> I see now what color your b100d must be  
CT: D --> You make such 100d comments off the cuff, your b100d must be redder than even Aradia’s was   
EB: um, yeah, all humans have red blood.  
EB: why, is yours green?   
CT: D --> I am b100-b100ded, you red-b100d cretin  
CT: D --> Am I understood  
CT: D --> Do I make myself clear   
EB: i guess.  
EB: but honestly i think it should be up to me and nepeta whether we roleplay together, not you.  
EB: you’re just acting like this bossy old guy in… um… every movie with a bossy old guy.   
CT: D --> I do not care what you think   
EB: hehehe whatever  
EB: the fact remains that nepeta and i are roleplaying superbuddies and you can’t change that.   
CT: D --> Human I will tear off your carapace support ridge if you continue this   
EB: ha, goes to show you, humans don’t have a carapace.   
CT: D --> That does not change the fact that I will tear off whatever support ridge you have instead  
CT: D --> Cease this nonsense and stupidity   
EB: hehehe  
EB: no way, dude, we’re having too much fun!  
EB: besides, it’s not like roleplaying ever hurt anyone!  
EB: oh hey rose is here i gotta go!   
CT: D --> You are so wrong I doubt I would be able to correct you  
CT: D --> But if you must go I suppose it is for the best  
CT: D --> This conversation is making me  
CT: D --> Perspire  
CT: D --> A bit more than usual   
EB: um… ok, bye then.   
_ectoBiologist ceased pestering  centaursTesticle [16:50]_   
**

John grinned as Rose began fuming at the box of gushers that had fallen on her head. “Egberrrrrrrrrrt…” she growled. John chuckled as she opened the door fully. “The gesture is appreciated. The prank, not so much.” She sat down next to him. Looking at Dave, still asleep, she said, “Have any good dreams lately?”

John looked up at the ceiling. “I had a really weird one just now. You’d probably want to hear about it.” He looked at her. “Promise you won’t psychoanalyze me?”

“Promised.” She wanted to know what he had seen in his dream.

“OK, so I started off on a golden planet…”


	6. Troll Romance Actually

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat turns to the only other person who gets his film references for idle conversation, John displays ingenuity, and Terezi writes all over the engine room walls in chalk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll say this now. I've watched the Incredibles and Raiders of the Lost Ark, but I've never seen Hitch and what I know of it I know from trailers and my own inferences. This may mean I'm incorrect about the movie's premise. Also, this chapter's title references another romance movie (one of my personal favorites, if I'm honest).

**Part Six: Troll Romance Actually**

Dave woke up to the sound of someone exercising. Something was sitting on the ground next to him. A note in John’s handwriting was next to it. It said, “so i found that there were codes for towels and water. i know it’s not quite a shower, but i made a towel that can kinda act like washing your body. i’m not sure how we’ll clean them, but since they’re cheap to make (like gushers! :D) we can probably make more when they stop being clean. i figure it’s easier than using a whole bunch of moist towelettes (which were in there too, i dunno why but they were).” Dave grinned. He imagined Rose had one as well, but first things first — time to get as clean as this thing would let you become. He walked to the restroom and opened the door, closing and locking it behind him. As he began taking off his clothes, he heard someone rattling the handle, trying to get in… and then their knock.

“Who’s occupying the restroom?” inquired Rose’s voice.

“It’s Dave. I’m showering. Sorta.” He began giving himself a thorough once-over with the towel. “It’s John’s towel thing. I’m trying it out and it’s working OK.” Truth be told, it was better than OK, it was actually getting the accumulated sweat and yuck of being stuck in a cramped, overheated spaceship with two other people off him, and leaving him with a fairly decent clean scent. He’d never admit to anyone, especially Egbert, that the smell of lemons actually smelled good to him.

“Oh, really? I saw one meant for me outside my door, I suppose I should look into actually using it. Since you have occupied the bathroom, I shall similarly barricade the command deck.” Dave nodded. He looked around; surely there was some sort of odor-eater onboard he could convince John to alchemize with their clothes. That would probably assist in making things bearable. Well, more bearable.

He found a small filter-type thing that was probably meant to reduce the smell of human waste. It could potentially come in useful for filtering out BO scent. He put a reminder on his phone to ask John about that later. In the meantime, he was as clean as the towel could get him, had dried off using a dry towel John had thoughtfully left in the bathroom, put his clothes back on, and unlocked the door.

Almost immediately, John came barreling in, rushing headfirst into Dave. “ohgod ohgod ohgod fuck fuck fuck gotta piss gotta piss gotta piss!” Dave turned away and left out of respect for his fellow male, who he could hear unzipping.

Dave knocked on the command center door. “Rose,” he said. “Got you a dry towel. You know. To dry off with.” The door unlocked, and it opened just wide enough for Rose to stick her hand through. “I’m gonna go walk around the ship for a little bit,” he continued. “See you soon, Rose.” and with that, he rushed toward the stasis pods at the fastest walk you could go without running. “Hi, Jade” he said when he reached them. “I know you’re still stuck in your little dream world, so you probably can’t hear me. We’ll hopefully be busting you out soon.” He twiddled his thumbs. “John showed some real first-class motherfucking ingenuity today.”

He could almost hear Jade’s “Oh?”, and he grinned. “Yeah. He made us these towels. They’re kinda like a combination dish detergent and damp towel and they make surprisingly good body-washcloths.” He grinned again, his face lighting up. “Which is better than it sounds because this fucking thing doesn’t have a shower, and I have no idea why.”

***

“Are they there yet?” asked Karkat.

“No,” said Terezi, rolling her eyes.

“When will they get there?”

“They’ll get there when they get there.”

“ _There’s_ a clear answer,” he muttered. “Seriously, who decided to prevent us from upping the oxygen recycling rate increase rate?”

“Probably scientists who knew a lot more than you know, Karkat,” said Terezi. “Anyway, they should be good in a few hours. Not more than eight.”

“Eight hours without the best hacker on Alternia going at the computers is not something I want to hear, Pyrope.” He was using her last name. He must have been especially cheesed off at the computers, Terezi thought.

She decided she would return the favor, if only to try and keep him from doing that again. “Well, Vantas, that’s an estimate. I’ll see what I can do but it won’t be much.” Karkat sighed. “In the meantime, why don’t you spend some time chatting with the humans?”

“Because the one conversation I had with that John figure is enough to convince me that they’re worthless as a species.” He sighed and moved over to his console anyway, pulling up Trollian and opening a window.

 **  
_carcinoGeneticist began trolling  tentacleTherapist [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
CG: HELLO, HUMAN THING.  
CG: THIS IS A MEMBER OF AN ANCIENT AND PROUD CIVILIZATION WHOSE EVERY MEMBER COULD WIPE THE FLOOR WITH YOUR SKULLS.   
TT: I’m assuming your name is Karkat.   
CG: WHAT.  
CG: I NEVER TOLD ANY OF YOU LOW-LIFES MY NAME.  
CG: I ONLY EVER TALKED TO YOU ONCE.  
CG: HOW THE HELL IS THAT POSSIBLE THAT YOU COULD KNOW MY NAME.   
TT: Oh, it’s quite simple.  
TT: You see, your friend Terezi told me about a member of her crew who was being quite the impatient obnoxious ass about things she couldn’t control, and I figure it must be you.  
TT: Nobody else I’ve spoken with seems as ornery.   
CG: DAMMIT.  
CG: SO WHAT, YOU’RE THE TEREZI FOR YOUR HUMAN SHIP?   
TT: That sounds about right.  
TT: The one who’s dealing with the computer because they’re the only one awake who’s any good with them, and who has to deal with her crew being picked for reasons other than being fit to spend several years in a space craft with.   
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: FUCK YOU AND THE HOOFBEAST YOU RODE INTO SPACE ON.  
CG: I AM A GOOD LEADER AND THERE ARE TONS OF PEOPLE BETTER WITH COMPUTERS THAN HER.  
CG: SHE’S JUST THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN BITCH ABOUT THEIR ROMANTIC TROUBLES AT ME LIKE I’M SOME SORT OF WILL SMITH.   
TT: I’m not sure I quite understand your reference.   
CG: I’M NOT ABOUT TO GO AROUND SPENDING A FEW HOURS GIVING YOU THE NAME OF A MOVIE.  
CG: LET’S JUST SAY THAT WILL SMITH IS IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY AND IT IS AS AWESOME A STORY AS YOU WILL EVER FIND.  
CG: ARE WE CLEAR?   
TT: I suppose John might know the movie you’re talking about. He’s rather fond of the medium himself.   
CG: OH GOD NO I AM NOT TALKING TO THAT BULGELICKING NOOKSCRAPING IDIOT AGAIN.  
CG: I WOULD RATHER CHOKE ON MY OWN THINK PAN THAN LISTEN TO HIS BLATHERING.   
TT: From what he’s told me about your conversation, it was mostly you yelling at him.  
TT: Oddly enough, he’d be willing to speak with you again.  
TT: I’m not sure why.  
TT: He said something about you being the Renee Belloq to his Indiana Jones.   
CG: YOU SPELLED THAT FIRST NAME WRONG.  
CG: THERE’S ONLY TWO ES.  
CG: MORON.   
TT: See, now, that is the sort of observation I would expect Egbert to make.   
CG: FUCK.  
CG: FINE I WILL TALK TO HIM AGAIN BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN VOUCH FOR HIM NOT BEING SO STUPID.   
TT: I can no more vouch for his mental ability than I can for yours.   
CG: FUCK.  
CG: AND HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS ANY MOVIE REFERENCES?   
TT: Well, Dave might, but he’s a bit difficult to get a straight answer out of regarding such things.  
TT: One might say his sense of irony is overdeveloped.   
CG: THEN I SUPPOSE I HAVE NO REAL CHOICE.  
CG: TIME TO GO SEE IF THAT BULGESCRATCHER IS STILL AROUND.   
_carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling  tentacleTherapist [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
**

Karkat facepalmed. “Why is it, just _why_ is it, that the dumbest member of their species is the one who likes movies? I swear, I hate him so much that I… I…” He paused, looking at the screen. “No. No way in hell. There is no way that is possible _at all_.”

“There’s no way what’s possible, Karkat?” asked Terezi, smiling wryly at him. “Is the self-proclaimed master of hating people being out-hated?”

“Nothing like that,” snapped Karkat. His voice cracked, which shocked and somewhat frightened him. “I’ve just… Let’s talk somewhere else.” He glanced at the others, who were mostly just standing around the command room, either at consoles or bugging people who were or eating food they’d taken from where Karkat had indicated. “Where there aren’t so many people around.” He dragged her off. Behind him, as the door closed, he heard someone saying something. It sounded like Gamzee saying “I knew it, pay up,” but there was no way in hell Gamzee would have ever made a bet, was there?

Karkat sighed as they entered the engine room. It was Gamzee he was hypothesizing about. Of course he would if he thought it was the right thing to do at the time. “Look, Karkat, if you’re going to confess your flushed leanings for me, you could at least have the decency to do it in public.” Terezi’s teasing tone didn’t help any. “Or were you expecting that I wouldn’t be able to sniff out your blush here in this engine room? I already smelled your blood under your carapace, I know what color your blood is.”

“I know you know,” replied Karkat, the irritation the thought of that John Human had brought on fading enough that his voice wasn’t cracking anymore. “It’s about those aliens. I… I can’t stop thinking about that idiot John. The moron with as much intellect as a filial pail full of poorly-matched couples’ materials.” Terezi made a disgusted face. “I… I think I may be feeling kismesissitude toward an _alien_.”

“Karkat, I think you’re overreacting. I mean, for a while I loathed Vriska with every flake of my carapace and that doesn’t mean we would’ve been Kismesisses.” She grinned. “Besides, I bet this hate will pass. I mean, you used to hate me, didn’t you?”

Karkat shuffled his foot a little. “Not… exactly. It was more pity than hate.” He frowned. He _really_ didn’t want to be discussing this with her. Not at this moment. Not when they had a ship to keep from crashing into. “Look. How long do we have until the oxygen levels stabilize for twelve?”

Terezi frowned. “I think we have about four hours. And sixteen hours after that we crash into the aliens’ ship.”

“And you’ve done everything you can to keep that from happening.”

“You don’t believe me? Karkat, you wound me.” Karkat shook his head.

“No, I believe you. Well, now I do. Lying in the engine room isn’t the sort of thing I’d think you’d do anyway. Vriska maybe, but not you.” Terezi grinned. And then she pulled out her sylladex and a troll caegar. As she began scratching the cards, she sneezed and grinned, producing a bag of chalk. Karkat sighed. “I’ll leave you to chalk up the engine,” he said, leaving the room.

As soon as Karkat re-entered the command room, all the conversation stopped. “What?” he asked. “Go back to whatever the hell you were doing.” They didn’t need much encouragement, and Karkat sat down at his computer. Slowly, cautiously, he opened up a new window with this John person.

 **  
_carcinoGeneticist began trolling  ectoBiologist [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M TALKING TO AN IDIOT LIKE YOU AGAIN   
EB: hey man!  
EB: what’s up?   
CG: THE ONE KNOWN AS ROSE SAID YOU WERE THE ONE TO TALK TO REGARDING MOVIES  
CG: SO I FIGURE SINCE YOU’RE THE ONLY OTHER ONE WHO KNOWS ANY SORT OF BULLSHIT ABOUT MOVIES WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THEM   
EB: sounds awesome!  
EB: movies like what?   
**

***

Two hours had passed. Two hours of conversation where they had been somewhat sane, and during which Karkat had felt — there was no other word for it — friendly. Of course, John was still a mouth-breathing idiot whose oxygen-starved human brain (god, he hated that word, so aristocratic) was too dumb to move him towards being any smarter, and he was still somewhat infuriating at various points. But Karkat could live with that. After all, he’d had the experience of being friends with Gamzee to get him used to being friends with an idiot.

And now, Karkat was returning to the engine room. It was a good place to think. About what to do next, about where they’d go, about what would happen if Sollux couldn’t prevent them from crashing into the aliens (although, and Karkat would never tell anyone this, he secretly wanted to crash into them). It also gave him time to dwell on that unusual dream about the blood-red planet. The blood-red planet and the black-haired thing he’d seen leaving it at high speed, rocketing away from the moon that the planet had been chained to. Had that been John? How the hell was he supposed to know anyway?

As he settled down with his husktop, always at the ready even though he never used it anymore (and wouldn’t use it here), he glanced at the walls. There was a message there, written hundreds or thousands of times over, sometimes in red and sometimes in the teal-ish color Terezi typed in — the colors of their blood. And more often than not, it was written in both. It was quite the simple message, but when Karkat saw it, it felt like a much more startling revelation.

“T3R3Z1 <3 K4RK4T”

He grinned. Seeing her online, he did something that none of them had done since before they left Alternia.

 **  
_carcinoGeneticist began trolling  gallowsCalibrator [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
CG: HEY, TEREZI.  
CG: <3   
GC: WH3R3 D1D TH4T COM3 FROM?   
CG: THE ENGINE ROOM.  
CG: WANT TO PASS SOME TIME TOGETHER BEFORE WE WAKE UP EVERYONE ELSE?   
GC: 1 TH1NK 1’D L1KE TH4T.   
_gallowsCalibrator ceased trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
**


	7. Waking Jade Harley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade, Sollux, Feferi, and Eridan wake up, and Jade's narcolepsy kicks in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter I was especially eager to get up because it has some of my favorite bits of dialogue. Until chapter 9. Heehee...

**Part Seven: Waking Jade Harley**

“OK, now you can,” said Rose. John pushed the final button, and the hiss of a pod opening alerted him to the fact that Jade was awake.

“Yes!” He began doing a celebratory dance. “So… I’m gonna see how she’s doing.” He walked down the hall, but before he could reach the suspended animation chamber, a black-haired blur had tackle-hugged him and was talking at a speed faster than should have been humanly possible.

“…so cold in my pod I mean I know I wasn’t supposed to feel it but it was just everywhere and I felt so cold especially in my dream that was kinda weird too I think it was because my body was about to wake up so the dream suppressing capabilities wore off although I have no idea how that happened also hi Rose how is everything on your end you look happy to see me what do you think are we going to crash into that alien ship I mean I suppose we are it seems like there’s something important we have to do if my dream and Dave’s dream is any indication where is Dave anyway?”

Rose blinked. “Um. He’s… in the ship’s hold. Exercising off some energy.” She looked at John, utterly bewildered. John just shrugged. “Along with the food supply. Well, the alchemiter we’ve been using to make a food supply.”

Jade grinned as she produced a small from her mystifying sylladex. It had a rotary dial that seemed to be used for dialing up food. “Oh, I have my fridge! My grandpa made it before… you know.” She pulled something else out of her sylladex. “And a cookalizer!”

“You mean an oven, right?” asked John. Jade shrugged.

“May I take a look at this… cookalizer?” asked Rose. Jade gladly handed it over. The knob went from off too “cook” to “irradiate” to a symbol of a mushroom cloud. “John, I doubt this is an oven. Not only because of its size, but because it contains an irradiate setting.”

“Wait, so…”

“This can make things radioactive. I doubt it’s a mere oven.” She handed the device back to Jade. “On the other hand, now we can have steak.”

“That’d be good,” said John. “I’m feeling kinda hungry again.”

***

Once he had been awakened, Eridan had stormed into the room and demanded that Feferi be awakened. Karkat sighed. “I was going to do it anyway,” he grumbled. The fishfaced brinesucker was grating on Karkat’s nub. Seriously, could he and his accent be any more annoying at this point in time? Karkat didn’t think so.

“I don’t think you appreciate the sewerity of this situation, Kar. Whe’re talkin about a possible romantic rewolution.” Karkat rolled his eyes.

“Shut your mouth or I swear to the Eldest Horrorterrors that I will sew it shut tighter than Equius’s rectal cavity.” He pressed Sollux’s button. “Feferi, Sollux, get your asses in here. Feferi so that Eridan will shut the hell up and Sollux because we’ve got a computer situation.”

Feferi bounded into the room like a graceful aquatic hoofbeast, smiling her winningest smile and traipsing over to Eridan. “Hi moirail,” she said.

“Yeah, Fef, um, whe need to talk. I realize you’re probably tired after the long sleep, but whe need to talk about this sooner rather than later. It’s wery important.”

“Use the cargo hold,” said Karkat grumpily. “You won’t bother anyone from down there.” The door opened again and Sollux shuffled in.

“Hey KK,” he muttered. “What’s the problem?” His lisp was still present, although it sounded like he was trying to ignore it.

“Your terminal ought to have it up.” Sollux sighed and looked at the screen. “But to make a long story short, we’re going to crash into an alien vessel and become carapace paste if you can’t hack into the guidance computer.”

“No sweat,” he muttered, grinning. “This’ll be a piece of cake.” Ten minutes later, Sollux was banging his head on the keyboard. “Shit. Shit shit shit.” He looked at the monitor. “I’ve only seen a code like this once before, it was unhackable even with all my skills. I’ve done what I can. We’re not going to become carapace paste but I’d suggest everyone prep for a crash.”

“Shit. How long do we have?”

“Well, that’s the good news, KK. 16 hours.” Sollux turned back to his computer. “Goddamn lisp,” he growled. “You’d think they’d be able to fix it but noooo, it’s so funny…” He opened up a hidden feature on his terminal, and all of a sudden the conversation that was going on in the cargo hold was playing for everyone to hear.

“Jeez, Eridan, you don’t get it! I’m burned out, strung up, I’m past the breaking point!”

“Look, Fef, I knowh it sounds wheird, but you gotta beliewe me! I hawe a huge amount of matin fondness towhards you!” From his tone, he seemed to be begging.

“Eridan, I know you feel like you’ve been floundering on the rocks of redrom but that tied me into place, now I want to cut the line and cast my hook into the sea!”

“The sea of what? Twhelwe trolls, that’s all whe hawe left, Fef! That’s not a sea. It’s barely a fuckin puddle!” Karkat could almost see Eridan’s defeated face. “You know what? Fine. Fine. Whe’re not moirails anymore and whe’re not goin to be matesprits. I can handle that.” The sound of a door opening signaled to everyone that the argument, from Eridan’s end anyway, was over.

“Eridan… I just want to be friends.” She sighed, and Sollux cut the line.

“Talk about your shut-downs. Not even his moirail anymore,” said Karkat. The romantic implications of this were… well, Karkat didn’t quite know what to think. He would have to consult Terezi again, get her opinion, maybe spend some time in the engine room. Sollux was being briefed by Gamzee on their (still technically unofficial) flushed status. Eridan would probably hear it from Karkat himself, over a drink — which, Karkat admitted, was probably going to be Faygo as Gamzee would insist on joining them. And Feferi… who knew how she would find out. Probably via Kanaya. Or Vriska. She had her irons in just about every fire. Including the fires of the bridges she’d burned.

***

Eridan’s thoughts were turning away from redrom as he walked away down the hall. There were no imperial drones anymore. Redrom didn't matter. The woman he’d wanted to be his matesprit wanted to be “friends”. An idiotic notion. He loved her, had staved off his planned genocide of the land-dwellers because of _her_ , and this was how she repaid him? Well, she could rot in friend hell then, for all he cared.

No, blackrom was the only kind of romance he could have solace in. Only his most passionate hate, only the woman who had made Orphaner Dualscar curse the heavens, could inspire any feelings in him anymore. Only Vriska Serket could —

Erican cursed. Only Vriska Serket and him getting excited about blackrom could ruin his shirt and pants with a premature release of genetic material. He went into the ablution chamber (or, its proper name as reckoned by the aristocracy, the bathroom) to change.

As soon as he had re-entered the command chamber, his clothes now clean again, the chatter ceased. Sollux was looking at his computer in a very determined manner, and Eridan didn’t need much else to put two and two together. He blushed violet, his blush almost darkening his carapace to the color of his own blood. ”What the fuck are you all lookin at?” he asked angrily, storming over to one of the empty terminals — the one marked with his symbol. “Dammit. Ah, hell. Maybe I can let my anger out on Wriska whithout spreadin _that_ all over as whell.” He booted up Trollian and saw the familiar twelve names, as well as a set of four he didn’t recognize. “Hey, Kar,” he said. “Who the fuck are these wheirdos?”

“They’re a group of aliens. We’ll be crashing into them at low velocity in about sixteen hours,” said Karkat. “Might help to get to know ‘em.” Eridan sighed. Just what he needed. First Feferi takes them off the romance radar entirely and now they’re about to crash into aliens. He picked one that looked like it might be promising.

 **  
_caligulasAquarium began trolling  turntechGodhead [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
CA: wwho the fuck are you  
CA: wwhat does your name evven mean  
CA: you callin yourself a god  
CA: pretty fuckin pathetic   
TG: oh fuck more aliens  
TG: seriously how many of you fuckers are there  
TG: its like you got a hundred million people waiting to spring on us   
CA: there are only twwelvve of us  
CA: but that’s more than enough to take care of imbeciles like you  
CA: wwhat a wwaste of oxygen your species must be  
CA: wwhat are you anyway  
CA: all karkat said wwas that you wwere all aliens and that wwe’re gonna be fuckin crashin into you  
CA: wwhich i don’t believve for a second   
TG: eh itll probably happen  
TG: and then youll all be dead and well have a ship full of sweet loot up for the taking  
TG: because were humans and that automatically means we win  
TG: even when we lose we win  
TG: we are that bad ass   
CA: and by lulling you into a false sense of security my job is done  
CA one last question for you  
CA: wwhat is your name   
TG: dave   
CA: you can’t even shorten that can you  
CA: i hate you davve  
CA: you and your short name   
TG: man, and here I was wondering which massive tool i could give this info to  
TG: then again i bet theres an idiot on your team who knows whats goin on   
CA: then i’ll ask them what’s goin on   
TG: yeah you go do that   
CA: farewwell   
_caligulasAquarium ceased trolling  turntechGodhead [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
**

“I hate these aliens already,” Eridan whined. “If their Dawe is any indication, you can’t giwe them nicknames!”

“ED, you’re getting too whiny,” said Sollux, glancing at the conversation he was having. “It's not the end of the world if you can’t give a guy a shorter name. Plus, I managed to figure out a way.”

***

 **  
TA: 2o yeah, ii gue22 thii2 ii2 2omethiing you have two get u2ed two.   
TT: I suppose.  
TT: The idea that there are twelve of you intrigues me.   
TA: R2 you have no iidea.   
TT: You know, if you’re going to abbreviate my name in such a manner, you may as well use my given and surnames’ initials.  
TT: RL is more aesthetically pleasing than RS.   
TA: ii 2uppo2e ii could giive iit a try.  
TA: but then iid need two know your crewmate2’ name2.  
TA: both of them.   
TT: Oh, I can provide that quite easily.  
TT: John Egbert, Dave Strider, Jade Harley.   
TA: haha, eriidan’2 goiing two hate all of you.  
TA: he’2 got the2e cute liittle niickname2 for all of u2 ba2ed on the fiir2t 2yllable of our name2.  
TA: and your name2 2ound liike they’re all one 2yllable long.   
TT: That does appear to be the case.  
TT: Well, with our given names, at least.   
TA: that’2 the only one eriidan care2 about.  
TA: 2o we’re perfectly fiine.  
TA: anyway, ii’ve 2et thii2 up 2o that we 2low down enough two not diie when we hit you.   
TT: How very gentlemanly of you.  
TT: I have a sneaking suspicion that our ship has been pre-programmed to slow down pre-crash.   
TA: now THAT would be conveniient.  
TA: ii had two go through all thii2 work ju2t two get our 2hiip two do that.   
TT: Well, given that there isn't much left to do, I suppose we can do nothing but wait for our ships to crash.   
TA: that 2eem2 about riight.  
TA: ii’m gonna go 2ee iif one of my crewmate2 want2 two talk about 2omethiing that’2 been buggiing me for a whiile.  
TA: ii 2uppo2e ii’ll 2ee you later.   
TT: Until we speak again.   
_twinArmageddons ceased trolling  tentacleTherapist [20:31]_   
**

Rose took a bite from the drumstick John had handed her. She had added “Eridan” and “Sollux” to the list of troll names, and she had begun tying names to trolltags. She looked over her list. If the pattern continued, she had a feeling that all the trolls would have six-letter names. She leaned back in her chair. Jade was now presumably with Dave in the hold, leaving her here with John. “So what should we do to pass the hours?”

“Computer games?” Rose’s expression must have been especially intimidating or incredulous, because John quickly added, “Or we could find something else to do. I’d rather not go to sleep again so soon, but…”

“I believe Jade’s refrigerator with its unusual rotary dial may be able to produce some form of caffeinated beverage.” As Rose began to search for the beverages in Jade’s fridge’s rotary dial system, John’s PDA went off.

 **  
_turntechGodhead began pestering  ectoBiologist [20:33]_   
TG: john  
TG: need your help  
TG: jade collapsed on top of me and now shes asleep again  
TG: i really dunno what to do  
TG: id let her lie here but shes kinda heavy  
TG: weighin down on my chest   
EB: ok, i’ll be down to help you.   
TG: thanks  
TG: so whats rose up to  
TG: she running around on the computer some more   
EB: nah, she’s trying to get us some… um… caffeinated beverages.  
EB: i think that means coke.  
EB: or maybe tab!  
EB: tab would be awesome.   
TG: ugh not that stuff  
TG: seriously that stuff tastes so shitty  
TG: but i suppose if its all we got then its all we got  
TG: just get down here and help me carry jade back to the command room   
_turntechGodhead ceased pestering  ectoBiologist [20:38]_   
**

“Rose, Dave needs help. I’m going to go see what he needs.” Rose sighed.

“Don’t take too long, Egbert,” was all she said.


	8. Two Hours to Impact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final hours before two ships crash into each other, altering the worlds of the two species forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iron Maiden reference for the chapter title this time around. Also gog damn but the Jade/Feferi logs are fun to type. It's like a big-ass cauldron of bubbling -EXCIT-EM-ENT! Seriously fucking awesome. Also one of the most overused tropes in cinematic history — so, of course, I decide to use it. :D What can I say, "overused trope" is my bread and butter. :3

**Part Eight: Two Hours To Impact**

 **  
GG: but i guess the whole point is that everything is going to be so exciting!!!!!! :D   
CC: I know! 38D  
CC: I t)(ink everyone on our s)(ip is as excited as we are!  
CC: IT’S SO -EXCITING!   
GG: i know!!  
GG: so what kind of hobbies do you have????   
CC: Well, I like to play ZOOK-E-EP-----------ER!   
GG: hehehe that e really flew far away huh? :)   
CC: )(e)(e)(e yup!  
CC: Wow, two )(ours and we’ll get to meet!  
CC: FAC-E TO FAC-E! 38O   
GG: i knooooooooow!  
GG: so whats your friends name?   
CC: W)(ic)( one?  
CC: I )(ave lots of them!   
GG: the one who just talked to me!  
GG: she sounded kinda sad and had red text?   
CC: O)(, Aradia…  
CC: S)(e’s not )(er usual self.  
CC: glub glub  
CC: Or maybe s)(e is but s)(e )(asn’t been acting like s)(e used to for a couple sweeps now.  
CC: It’s kinda sad.   
GG: awwww  
GG: im sorry! :(   
CC: It’s OK, Jade!  
CC: I know you’re a good person!  
CC: glubglubglubglub   
GG: hee hee glub   
CC: Are t)(ere any sea dwellers on your planet?   
GG: not really  
GG: not intelligent ones at any rate  
GG: although my grandfather was trying to build an underwater city!!!!  
GG: he told me so :D   
CC: O)( wow!  
CC: So none of you lived in the ocean? 38(   
GG: no but we lived near the ocean!  
GG: on a little island!   
CC: Sounds kinda like my friend -Eridan!   
GG: ooh wow!   
**

Dave turned away from watching Jade’s computer screen. Sure, it had been interesting at first, but now Jade and this alien girl were swapping life stories, and it was getting boring. There were so many “Oh wows”, all the “Oh wows”. All of them.

He briefly considered striking up a conversation with another troll before deciding that no, that really wasn’t the way he wanted to spend his time before the crash. And Jade was deep in conversation with one of them, so he couldn’t just sit there with her. John was typing furiously, apparently having fun chatting. Every so often he would let out a laugh, and Dave smirked. Yeah, John was having a good time with this troll. He looked over at Rose; she was typing online with a troll as well, seeming very into the debate or whatever they were doing. He sighed, sitting down. He _really_ didn’t want to just message a troll out of the blue and —

The next-worst thing, from Dave’s perspective, happened almost immediately. His pesterchum window blinked open.

 **  
_apocalypseArisen began trolling  turntechGodhead [02:35]_   
AA: y0u  
AA: human male  
AA: at least i assume y0u are male  
AA: 0_0   
TG: yeah im a dude   
AA: g00d  
AA: i supp0se the pr0t0c0l is t0 exchange names at this p0int  
AA: but that seems unnecessary  
AA: y0u w0nt survive   
TG: oh god another one of you dumpass you wont survive trolls  
TG: look its simple ok  
TG: were humans  
TG: that means we rock your fuckin socks off  
TG: end of story   
AA: y0u h0nestly believe that  
AA: d0nt y0u  
AA: 0_0  
AA: y0ur bl00d must be as red as mine sh0uld be  
AA: given y0ur typing c0l0r   
TG: um  
TG: i just like red ok  
TG: humans all have red blood  
TG: its kind of a thing  
TG: sorta like how the predator has a weirdass mouth   
AA: i d0 n0t understand y0ur human p0p culture references  
AA: what is a predat0r   
TG: its awesome  
TG: and thats all there really is to say on the matter  
TG: so whats your deal  
TG: you talk kinda like a ghost   
AA: i supp0se  
AA: but i am dead  
AA: s0rt 0f  
AA: br0ught back in a shell made for me by a l0aths0me blue bl00d   
TG: okay  
TG: see thats where you lose me  
TG: you talk like people have different colors of blood  
TG: one of your other idiots who tried to troll me said the same thing  
TG: like arachnidsgrip or somethin  
TG: he was pretty annoying  
TG: not really a troll more a wannabe   
AA: shes a girl  
AA: y0u seem as c0nfused by tr0ll genders as i am by human 0nes   
TG: nah i just have a male until proven female policy  
TG: with the exception of rose and jade  
TG: because they didnt act like guys  
TG: its a big conspiracy back on earth  
TG: well it used to be   
AA: y0u are the talkative 0ne  
AA: 0_0  
AA: are all human males as talkative as y0u   
TG: im a lot better with my words when im rappin  
TG: its like fuck yeah lets do this bullshit  
TG: but now i gotta make do without  
TG: so the world is deprived of the greatest gift its ever seen  
TG: anyway i gotta go check on the cargo hold   
AA: i see  
AA: is y0ur matesprit in the carg0 h0ld   
TG: my what  
TG: is that like troll slang for sweet gear   
AA: never mind  
AA: y0u d0nt get it  
AA: 0_0   
TG: whatever ghost girl  
TG: im gonna go now   
AA: 0_0  
AA: if y0u feel y0u must  
AA: then farewell   
_turntechGodhead ceased pestering  apocalypseArisen [02:56]_   
**

Dave stared at the clock. That conversation had to be the most awkward conversation he’d ever had with a troll, and that was counting the weird-ass one that had happened while he was waiting for Egbert to come and help get Jade off his ribcage. And unlike that time, Dave wasn’t even next to Jade to run his hands idly through her sleeping hair or hold her close and…

And Jade was asleep again. Big surprise. He walked over to her console, where her partner was still typing. Gently, he lifted her out of the seat and took a seat, placing her in his lap.

 **  
CC: )(-ELLO?  
CC: JAD-E?  
CC: AR-E YOU TH-ER-E?  
CC: glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub  
CC: PL-EAS-E ANSW-ER M-E!   
GG: jades not on anymore  
GG: sorry  
GG: this is dave using her account  
GG: normally i wouldnt but she kinda fell asleep  
GG: narcolepsy and all   
CC: O)(!  
CC: )(I DAV-E!  
CC: Jade told me so muc)( about you!  
CC: S)(e says you’re the coolest guy s)(e knows.  
CC: And s)(e said s)(e t)(inks you )(ave eart)( )(uman feelings for )(er!   
GG: well kinda i guess  
GG: god this is awkward  
GG: lets switch to my regular username   
_gardenGnostic ceased pestering  cuttlefishCuller [03:01]_   
**

Dave pulled out his phone, moving to the floor where it was easier to sit and keep an unconscious Jade balanced. It wasn’t that she was heavy or uneven. No, it was that he had to make sure she didn’t slip off his lap, a possibility that was greatly reduced by him sitting on the floor with her. He saw her chest slowly rise and fall. Softly, gently, he stroked her hair. “I hope you’re having a good dream,” he whispered, his free hand soon holding hers in comfort. The iPhone beeped, and Dave continued his conversation with the strange and excitable troll.

***

Feferi frowned. Jade suffered from narcolepsy? Sure, she had mentioned it in the earlier parts of the chat, but did it really strike this suddenly? Feferi decided that if Jade trusted this Dave fellow, she probably could too, so if he said she was asleep, then she probably was.

 **  
_cuttlefishCuller began trolling  turntechGodhead [CLOCK NOT FOUND]_   
CC: Dave.  
CC: W)(at are you doing rig)(t now?   
TG: well  
TG: right now im sittin here on the floor of the command room  
TG: a sleepin jade in my lap  
TG: rose and john are chatting with other people on your ship   
CC: O)(!  
CC: Is Jo)(n’s trolltag ectoBiologist?  
CC: T)(at’s t)(e name of someone talking wit)( my friend Nepeta.   
TG: yeah thats him  
TG: and rose is talkin up a fuckin storm with one of you guys   
CC: )(mmmm  
CC: I t)(ink I can figure out w)(o, just give me a minute!   
**

Feferi looked around, trying to figure out who was doing what on their computers. Aradia appeared to be sitting idly on her chair, rolling what looked like a fang between her fingers — likely one of Equius’s, was all those two ever did fight? Karkat was nowhere to be found, and the same was true of Terezi — Nepeta had briefed her on the redrom those two were in the throes of, and that had excited her more than anything else until she’d begun talking to Jade. Eridan was sulking, and shooting glares at a laughing Vriska, who was apparently drawing something with a computer program. Nepeta, of course, was still roleplaying with John. Feferi really envied her for having a drawing tablet computer.

Kanaya was doing some sewing in an unused corner of the room, while Equius was coming in with yet another towel. Boy, he sure did sweat a lot. Tavros was looking through his vast collection of memorabilia for that kid’s game he played, Fadospawn or Fidalswan or something. He’d probably correct her if she asked, but she didn’t especially care. Sollux was typing furiously at the command console, trying to minimize the impact velocity. It was probably futile, but she guessed his hacker cred depended on him breaking through the block. And Gamzee was… Actually, Feferi couldn’t see Gamzee. Maybe Terezi and Karkat had dragged him along? Maybe everyone had read their relationship wrong and Gamzee was their auspistice?

The sound of someone else clacking at their computer turned her attention to the middle of the command room floor, where Gamzee was lying on his back typing to someone on his husktop. Chalk up another theory thankfully flushed down the drainage pipes. “Hey, Gamzee! Who’re you talking to?”

“Oh, just this awesome motherfuckin human who I happened to meet when I woke the fuck up! Her name’s Rose and she sounds kinda like Kanaya! It’s just this big clusterfuck of motherfuckin miracles up in this bitch. How about you, what the fuck are you up to?” Feferi laughed.

“The human Dave wanted me to find out who his friend Rose was talking to.” She grinned. “So I guess now I can tell him!”

“Dave? Woah, I don’t know that motherfucker. How fuckin many of them are there?”

“There’s four.” Feferi turned back to her computer. “Jade, Rose, Dave, and John. And Dave is really cool!”

 **  
CC: I found out w)(o it was!  
CC: My friend Gamzee!   
TG: which ones that asshole   
CC: )(e’s not an ass)(ole 38(  
CC: )(e’s a nice guy!  
CC: Also )(is trolltag is terminallyCapricious.   
TG: i think john and rose mentioned him  
TG: hes the one with the weird typing quirk right  
TG: where he cant keep a word still to save his life  
TG: its all flopping up and down like a dead fish   
CC: Ummm  
CC: glub glub glub   
TG: whats with the glubs anyway  
TG: are trolls fish  
TG: are you just a giant fish   
CC: No, silly!  
CC: I’m a S-EA DW-ELL-ER!  
CC: I used to live under t)(e ocean.  
CC: And -Eridan s)(ould’ve but )(e didn’t.  
CC: T)(en again, Jade said t)(ere aren’t any sea dweller )(umans 38O   
TG: yeah shes right  
TG: none of us livin underwater  
TG: that shits just fuckin weird  
TG: like egberts dads clown obsession  
TG: weird ass shit   
CC: O)(, Jo)(n’s dad liked clowns?  
CC: )(e’d get along R-EALLY well wit)( Gamzee!  
CC: Gamzee )(as t)(is t)(ing about clowns.   
TG: i guess  
TG: shit we got 10 minutes to impact  
TG: i guess i gotta go and get jade strapped in and shit  
TG: because  
TG: i kinda like her   
CC: )(-E)(-E)(-E  
CC: Your secret’s safe wit)( me!  
CC: glub   
TG: ok cool  
TG: we can glub all the fucking time once we hit your ship  
TG: just gotta buckle jade in and get ready   
_turntechGodhead ceased pestering  cuttlefishCuller_   
**

“Karkat, Terezi, we have ten minutes! You might want to hold on tight to whatever you’re holding on to!”

***

“…to whatever you’re holding on to!” The voice over the intercom was Feferi, shooting them a friendly reminder. In the engine room, there was a fair amount of stuff to hang onto, but the really big thing Karkat was worrying about was…

He looked around; the pail was safely stashed in a corner where nobody but those two would think to look, and it was secured so it wouldn’t spill. “Oh thank god,” he muttered. “OK, Terezi, we gotta grab on tight to shit.”

Terezi was busy putting her shirt back on — which, Karkat reflected, was something of a shame. “OK, fine, Vantas.” She grabbed him around the waist playfully.

“Get off, get off!”

“I was just kidding,” she giggled. She grabbed tight onto a railing and prepared for the impact. According to the scanners, it wouldn’t take out the engines. This was good news for the two of them in there; it meant they could keep to themselves.

***

In space, things don’t crash with external noise. The total vacuum doesn’t let sound travel very far. If you were watching the ships collide from some point on the outside, you’d see two spaceships hit each other going at a few hundred miles per hour without a sound.

On board the ships was another story. The trolls’ ship was designed with all the important functions in the center of the ship and several thousand massive hulls on the outside. The humans’ ship was designed to make a smooth landing at low velocity on a planet, and so only had a few protective  hull layers. As a result, the human ship’s command room was now completely open to the trolls’ command room. The noise was almost deafening. And the first thing the two roleplayers noticed was that they had locked eyes with one another.


	9. Aliens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two ships collide. Two worlds collide. And a young human is confused by troll romance terms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was no way this chapter was not going to be named this. I knew that this would be the title of the meeting chapter from day one. Also, this chapter has some of the dialogue I loved writing best so far. It's good to reach chapter 9.

**Part Nine: Aliens**

Later, they would all joke about this. All of the misunderstandings from when they first met would seem hilarious, as would the differences in customs and traditions.

That, however, was later. Currently, most of the trolls’ mouths hung open, seeing the bucket lying on the human command rooms’ floor. Nepeta was the only one of the ten present to not notice, as she was too busy looking at John. His overbite looked like a miniature set of fangs, his goofy hair looked like she had been playing with it, and she had the urge to grab his glasses and put them on herself, even though she didn’t need them.

In contrast, Dave was trying to rouse Jade, Jade was still fast asleep and strapped in tightly, and Rose was looking at the assembled gathering of open-mouthed trolls with a Spock-like arched eyebrow. The only one doing anything similar to what any of the trolls were doing was John, who couldn’t stop staring at Nepeta. He smiled. Her smile was catlike, her blue hood enchanting, and her yellow eyes seemed inviting. True, her teeth were sharper than his, but her fangs somehow made the whole thing look cute.

Neither of them noticed that they were slowly leaning towards each other. It wasn’t until their friends — in Nepeta’s case, Equius, and in John’s case, Rose — pulled them back that they noticed they had been straining against the bonds of safety restraints. Still, nobody said anything until John and Nepeta both opened their mouths at the same time. “Hi.”

At which point Equius leapt over to Rose. “What kind of sick, depraved race would leave a pail out in the middle of the room for anyone to see?” he spat. “Have you no shame, no sense of decency? Knows your lewdness no bounds?”

“What’s so lewd about a bucket?” asked Rose. “Unless your culture glorifies living in filth?”

“Of course not,” huffed Equius, “but I don’t see what a _pail_ has to do with cleanliness.”

“You must be joking,” she replied. “What else are we supposed to put our cleaning water in?”

This got a few blank stares before, of all the trolls, _Kanaya_ turned a brilliant jade green. “Y-you mean you don’t…”

Vriska began giggling uncontrollably, like a twelve-year-old who had heard a naughty joke. “Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee! Of course it’s a cleaning bucket! Hehehe! We… hehehe… um we… have a cultural taboo against cleaning products!”

Equius glared at her for a moment before turning back to Rose, whose Spock-like raised eyebrow remained lofty. “Regardless, it is unsightly to have such a… _thing_ out in plain sight in your culture, is it not?”

“We don’t really notice,” replied Rose. “Well, to be honest, we see them while we are paying attention to our environment, but we don’t give them any special consideration. Unless someone happens to rig one to drop on your head,” she added, shooting a glare at the still-oblivious John.

***

Rose and Equius were going on about something, but Nepeta wasn’t quite paying attention to what. And currently, she didn’t really care. As John unbuckled himself from his restraints, Nepeta did the same, and she leapt over the consoles in a stunning display of athleticism and agility, pouncing him to the ground and grinning. He was soft and fleshy, sort of like her lusus — but furless and with only one mouth. “I finally get to meet you in real life!” she said.

“Hey, Nepeta!” said John. He could feel her hard carapace on top of him; it felt smooth, like a sanded board, but flexible, like rubber. So… a sanded rubber board. The mental image was funny, and it took a great deal of his mental fortitude not to laugh at it. Instead, he reached up a hand and rubbed her horns to feel what they felt like. Almost immediately he noticed her green blush. “Wow… your horns feel kinda smooth and stony.”

“John… please stop rubbing my horns…” She sounded quite embarrassed, and John withdrew his hands. “Thanks. I… I can understand you wanting to feel them, since you’ve never seen a girl with horns, but… um… it’s not exactly a ‘hi nice to meet you’ kind of thing.”

“Oh.” John paused as his brain tried to figure out what exactly she meant, and then — “OH.” It was John’s turn to blush, and he performed spectacularly, turning a particular shade of red usually reserved for tomatoes. “S-sorry,” he said.

“It’s OK, it’s OK!” said Nepeta, quickly realizing she’d embarrassed him. “You just didn’t know.”

***

Jade was still asleep when the final two trolls entered the room. Dave, desperate for ideas on how to wake her up so she could meet her girlcrush troll, finally got an idea that was just crazy enough to work. The universal cure for the deep sleeper.

As he kissed her, her eyes fluttered open, and she undid her buckle, wrapped her arms around him, and returned the kiss. “Hi Dave,” she said, slightly breathless. “What happened?”

“We crashed,” he said, “and there’s eleven trolls staring at the bucket in the control room.”

“What?” Jade began giggling. “That’s kinda silly! It’s just a bucket.” She turned and saw them all standing there, their shirts in their typing (and blood) colors… And there was Feferi, who was getting over the shock of seeing the bucket and seeing Rose and Equius argue. Jade waved hello to her online friend. “Hi Feferi! Hi!”

“Jade?” she asked, walking a path around the central bank of computers. “Hi Jade!”

“Wow, you really do have a finny face!” Jade grinned as she hugged her new friend in greeting. Feferi hugged back in a manner that suggested she had been expecting it. Dave scratched that mental note. No, she had been _looking forward_ to it. It was fairly obvious to anyone who paid attention, and as Dave looked around, he noticed someone who had a three liter of red Faygo in his hand and was sipping from it. That, he figured, was Gamzee. He had a sort of spaced-out grin on his face. Dave sighed. Maybe the guy was really some sort of guru who understood humanity, unlike Mr. Snapped-Off Horn, who seemed convinced that humans had a sort of weird thing with buckets. Maybe trolls shat in them or something? Yeah, that was probably it.

Jade and Feferi were already talking a mile a minute. Dave couldn’t be bothered to try and follow their conversation, so instead he walked over to Gamzee. The guy had some sort of ridiculous clown makeup on. “Hey,” he said.

“Oh, hey,” replied Gamzee. “How the fuck are ya? You can’t be John ‘cuz John’s gettin’ fuckin’ pounced on by Nepeta, so you must be Dave. How’s it hangin, motherfucker?” The corner of Dave’s mouth twitched slightly, pulling itself briefly into a smirk before returning to his normal nonplussed expression.

“Shit be real, yo,” said Dave, performing an introductory fist-bump. Gamzee seemed to instinctively figure out what was up with it. “Gamzee, right?”

“Fuck yeah.” He took a drink from the bottle of Faygo. “So what’s the deal with the fuckin’ pail? You don’t use ‘em when you fuck?”

“Why the hell would we use a bucket for sex?” asked Dave.

“Just fuckin’ askin’, bro. Us trolls use ‘em ‘cuz that’s how our fuckin’ reproductive cycle works.” He shrugged. “It’s complicated as shit.” Dave nodded. “So where d’you think this giant motherfuckin’ miracle ship is headed?”

“Hell if I know.” He looked up at the sky. “Kinda fucked up that all sixteen of us survived.”

“Eh, it’s all the miracles, my motherfuckin’ bro.” Gamzee grabbed another Faygo three liter, this one purple, and handed it to Dave. Dave figured if he was having a conversation like this, he may as well make himself look like a complete fucking tool. He cracked it open and took a sip.

The nubby-horned troll walked up to them. “Gamzee, what in the deepest writhing pits of hell are you doing.”

“Hey Karkat! This motherfucker is Dave. Dave, this is my motherfuckin’ best friend ever, Karkat.” Karkat grimaced, but accepted a Faygo as Gamzee handed him one. “Dave was just sayin’ why that bitchin’ pail there isn’t what Equius motherfuckin’ thinks it is.”

“They have a pail on display in their control room?” asked Karkat. “I’m sorry, I was somewhat more preoccupied by the fact that there’s a pair of enormous tools standing here who I’ve joined in glorious douchehood, and the spaztastic autistic girl is getting felt up by one of the humans.” Dave looked over; John had his hands on her horns, and now he was taking them off… and now both of them were blushing furiously.

“It’s just a bucket, dude.” Dave took a long pull from the bottle. “You know. You put water in it and use it with a mop to clean shit up.”

Karkat blinked. If Dave didn’t know better, he’d swear that the idea had — “I don’t think any troll ever thought of using a pail for cleaning.” Karkat took a long drink from his own bottle. “So what do you use instead? For collecting genetic material for your mother grub. Or whatever you have.”

Dave paused. “Um… we don’t do that?” He took another sip. “Look, sometime later I’ll explain but let’s just say that you’d probably think human sex is about as fucking weird as your explanation of troll sex sounds to me.” Gamzee laughed. Karkat just took another sip.

“Fine. So you use pails for cleaning. And your reproductive processes are confusing and arcane.” He took a swig from the bottle again. “One of us should really go help your friend Rose before Equius decides to punch her.”

“Nah,” said Dave. “Rose is quick. He wouldn’t be able to hit her even if he tried.”

***

“I demand once more, red-blood human, that you desist in your lewd lying! If you persist in this garbage, I shall be forced to prevent you from lying by destroying your oral cavity!” Terezi tapped him on the shoulder. “What is it, Pyrope?”

“If she says it’s not a filial pail, and it doesn’t have anything to do with reproduction, I’d suggest you believe her.” She grinned. Equius had balled his hand into a fist, and even Rose could hear the knuckles cracking. “C’mon, now, Equius. You wouldn’t hit a blind girl, would you?” He hesitated, then dropped his hand to his side, unclenching his fist. “OK, good! Now then, Rose! Ooh, you smell like peaches and lemons and lavender!” She leaned in closer. “And your blood smells like candy! Ooh!” Terezi apparently didn’t quite understand the human concept of “personal space”, and Rose wasn’t about to berate the blind girl for turning to the only senses she had left to turn to. And then Terezi decided to lick her.

Rose decided to draw the line at licking. The sandpapery tongue of the troll girl felt like Jaspers’s. Or like that shark-skin her mother had installed on their door as an anti-theft device. “I respectfully request that you not lick me again.”

“I won’t,” said Terezi. “Your skin sticks to my tongue, it’s not like a proper carapace.” She shuddered slightly. “Somewhat disgusting, actually.” She sniffed the air and turned to where Nepeta and John were still lying on the ground, Nepeta on top. Rose looked over at them. “Hey, Nepeta!” Terezi knelt next to them. “Did you know that you two smell adorable together?” Nepeta’s blush was so bright at these words that Rose was fairly certain even Terezi, blind as she was, could see it. “Hee hee… you smell like mint leaves!”

Then again, maybe not. Rose walked over to the two of them, and knelt next to Terezi. “John, I suggest the two of you should get up.” Nepeta looked at Rose and waved hello, getting off John. “Hello again, Nepeta. I see you finally found John.”

“In the waking world!” she added, grinning. John sat up, shook his head slightly, and then got up the rest of the way. It was about then that she noticed the bucket. “Um… I didn’t know you — “

“It’s not a filial pail,” said Terezi before Nepeta could complete her sentence. “Apparently humans use something else. I’m not sure what.”

“I’ll fill you in later,” replied Rose. “In the meantime…” She left the three of them to stand there, heading toward Kanaya. “Kanaya, I presume?”

“And then you would be Rose.”

“Absolutely.” Rose paused. “Would you care to accompany me to our ship’s cargo hold? There are matters that I would like to discuss with you relevant to our continued voyage.”

“Of… Of course,” said Kanaya, clearing her throat. “Of course.”

***

John, meanwhile, had grabbed some boxes of gushers, one for each girl troll he was talking to, and a third for himself, and sat down, opening a pouch and chowing down on some gushers. “So anyway, Dave and I were wondering what you looked like, and I wasn’t really expecting this. I mean, I was expecting you to look like people, but not all gray.” He paused to swallow. “But it’s a really nice grey. And I think it’s cool that your blood is green,” he added, grinning at Nepeta.

“I like your human red blood, too,” said Nepeta. “It’s a lot less confusing than having all sorts of different blood colors.”

“It’s not all _that_ confusing,” argued Terezi.

“Yes it is,” replied John and Nepeta at the same time. Terezi grinned, then took the gushers and stood up.

“Well, Nepeta, I’ll leave you with your matesprit, I’m off to talk to mine.” Nepeta waved her off, even though she knew Terezi couldn’t see the gesture.

“Have fun with Kar — wait! He’s not my matesprit!” She blushed. John looked curiously at her.

“Um… what’s a matesprit?”


	10. To Incipisphere's Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes converse on diverse subjects in the time until their arrival in their predestined destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of the first work in the series. Wow. So hard to believe I'm actually finishing something. Usually my projects languish and die. This one is actually done-ish (I finished part one of ten! go me!) I think my mood can be accurately described as "Fucking pumped". So here it is, chapter 10, the last chapter of Vita Ex Nihilo! ONWARD!
> 
> EDIT: Forgot to mention this: The title comes from the Iron Maiden song _Coming Home_ , off the album The Final Frontier.

**Part Ten: To Incipisphere’s Land**

“But that wouldn’t make sense,” replied Kanaya, who was sitting on the alchemiter’s pad across from Rose. “Why would the sixteen of us have a shared dreamspace? We are of two vastly different species and we were unaware of the other’s existence until the current time period.”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” said Rose. “In the meantime, I have been considering the following tidbits of information. One, we are of similar exterior build, and presumably we share certain functions despite the fact that your species operates on a hemospectrum while ours has only one color of blood.”

“I concede your point. Despite your lack of horns, you do have hair and a bipedal armed shape. And your proportions are roughly the same as ours.” Kanaya frowned. “But that doesn’t mean anything, given how vastly different our internal processes must be.”

“I’m not so certain about that one, either. I mean, yes, the troll reliance on a mother grub for reproduction is certainly at odds with human reproduction, but why would a species evolve such a needlessly complicated system of reproduction? It’s not a mutation that is in any way beneficial, and would in fact be detrimental to the species’ survival.” She tapped a finger on the side of the alchemiter. “But on to the second point.”

“Yes, let’s leave aside the inherently sticky question of reproduction for a future discussion. Your second point, Rose?”

“We speak the exact same language. Yes, certain phrases are different, but that seems to me to be more of a dialectical problem than any concrete linguistic difference.” Kanaya nodded.

“I must admit, it was rather unusual to see aliens typing in perfect Troll English, even if their vernacular was astoundingly blue-blooded and they seemed to pepper their speech with unusual slang.” She frowned. “At any rate, do your points only number two?”

“No. The third point, however, I have made to you before. You remember, about our collision.”

“Yes, that I recall.” Kanaya made a mental note to ask Rose about human biological processes in more detail.

“Continuing this line of thought, the crash was inevitable. And now, our course is taking us the the limits of our two sets of engines.”

“But they weren’t supposed to be designed to wear out,” pointed out Kanaya. “We’ll just be floating forever in the dark void of space.”

“Not necessarily,” countered Rose. “The engines aren’t likely to have taken the collision well, and the thrusters aren’t quite aligned with each other, giving our combined ship a limited engine life.” Rose pulled out her laptop. “And if that’s the case, then we can probably expect a journey of about one thousand twenty-five hours, given parameters I’ve established based on my knowledge of our engine and information about yours gleaned from a conversation I had with your chief engineer before the crash. At which point…” Rose pulled up a starmap. The entire area they were to enter read “Spacetime Anomaly”. “I’m not sure I like the look of that,” said Rose.

“I find it disconcerting as well,” added Kanaya, looking at it. “Perhaps we had best warn the others. Although really, we have how long before we reach it?”

“Forty-two days. Well, Earth days.”

“Hmm. It seems I’ve found another curiosity that might lead to an explanation of our shared dreamspace. Your day is as long as ours.” Rose frowned.

“Improbability atop improbability. I believe we’re getting close to an understanding of this.” Rose tapped the alchemiter’s platform. “Moving on to a different subject… what, exactly, is the nature of your relationship with Vriska?”

***

“Twelve days we’ve been crashed into each other, Egbert, and you still insist you don’t have flushed leanings for her?” Karkat’s grin was a wry thing, as though he was watching one of his favored romcoms. “Anyone looking at you two would see instant Matesprits. Seriously, I think you’re the first guy to seriously rub her — “

“Karkat, why do you keep saying that? All I did was touch her horns!” John’s idiocy apparently knew no bounds. “I mean, it’s not like I… um… touched her _there_ …”

“OK, Egbert, I know humans don’t have the same mating gestures as trolls, but you were _rubbing her horns_. I mean, that practically _screams_ ‘I want to combine genetic material with you.’ Case never even fucking opened, it’s closed so fast.” Karkat turned. “So yeah. Claim Earth cluelessness all you want, it doesn’t change the fact that you are her romantic destiny.”

“Destiny sure seems to be a big thing for you, huh, Karkat?” asked John. Karkat grumbled as they walked toward the troll cargo hold. “I mean, OK, humans have a similar concept, but it’s not like we obsess over it.” This just caused Karkat to grumble more. The human didn’t get it. Why would he? Nepeta had only explained the red quadrants to him because for some fucked up reason she didn’t truck with blackrom, which had left Karkat to explain blackrom. Which, of course, the human didn’t get. And yet, Egbert was endearing in an idiot friend kind of way. Like Gamzee. Come to think of it, Karkat had seen him and Gamzee hanging out exchanging pranks.

Lost in thought, he hadn’t heard John’s long rant about the human ideas of romantic and non-romantic destiny (now there was a weird thought; trolls had never thought to expand predestination to other facets of life). He also hadn’t noticed when they had passed Gamzee in the halls. He did, however, notice Nepeta tackle-hug John as they passed her. Karkat made a grimace. “Take your matesprit and go somewhere private to do that,” he said.

Their voices echoed back in unison. “He’s not my matesprit!” “She’s not my matesprit!” Karkat laughed as he continued down the hallway.

John’s Pesterchum window beeped at him. He looked at who it was and quickly answered from under Nepeta.

 **  
_turntechGodhead began pestering  ectoBiologist [10:25]_   
TG: john are you there this time  
TG: its kinda important  
TG: you online   
EB: yeah, just got pounced on by nepeta.  
EB: so… what’s up, bro?   
TG: whats up is you and your girlfriend eating the last of the steak   
EB: the captchalogue code for a steak is sT3KZ!!1  
EB: and she’s not my girlfriend!  
EB: DX<   
TG: sure deny it all you want  
TG: that a cooked steak or a raw one   
EB: raw.  
EB: we have jade’s cooking thingy, so it’s not like it matters.   
TG: i guess so  
TG: anyway ill leave you to cuddle with your girlfriend  
TG: later   
EB: later!  
EB: wait!  
EB: she’s not my girlfriend!!!   
TG: yeah right   
_turntechGodhead ceased pestering  ectoBiologist [10:29]_   
**

John sighed as he put his PDA back in his sylladex. “Agh, now people are blaming us for eating the last of the steaks.”

“You gave him the code, right?” asked Nepeta.

“Yeah.” John sighed. “He called you my girlfriend again.” Nepeta rolled her eyes.

“Ugh, everyone is so incorrigible!” She rolled off him and stared at the ceiling. “Is it really so difficult to believe that we’re just friends?” John shrugged. “I don’t think it helps that Kanaya’s projecting her redrom fantasies with Vriska onto me,” she added. John stifled a giggle. “What’s so funny?”

“I dunno. Just… the idea of Vriska and Kanaya hooking up is hilarious.” John paused, then looked at Nepeta. “So… on the subject of what we were talking about yesterday…”

“No, I don’t think Gamzee feels like that towards Dave. Seriously, I’m not sure Gamzee feels any romantic pull at all towards anybody. He seems content to just be friends with everyone,” replied Nepeta. “Though I do think his and Karkat’s relationship is a textbook definition of moiraillegiance, and his relationship with Equius is sorta… disgusting on Equius’s side.”

“You mean with the whole sweaty submissiveness? Yeah, kinda gross,” agreed John. “So…” He set his mind to cast about for a topic, and soon came up with a well-suited one. “Have you ever LARPed?”

***

“Not quite,” said Tavros, looking over the meal the humans had prepared. He liked their steaks, and he was glad Dave had mastered the art of cooking, even if he did char them more than strictly necessary. But humans were weird like that. “I, um, care for our, uh, fauna pretty well.” He scratched his olfactory cartilage nub. “And in return, they… er… lend me their services.”

“I swear to god,” said Dave, “it sounds like you’re describing this earth little kids’ show. Like, seriously, it’s a show for five year olds.” He took a bite of his chicken leg. The thing was almost as big as a turkey drumstick. “It was called Pocket Monsters.” He took another bite, chewing and swallowing. He remembered how he had liked it “ironically” when he was a dumbass little kid who was trying to be cool like his Bro  — and in the elementary school crowd, nothing said “cool” like being a Pocket Monster Trainer.

“Um… maybe it’s similar,” said Tavros. He took a bite of his steak and looked at sleeping Jade, whose head was in Dave’s lap. “Um, is she going to be OK?”

“Yeah,” said Dave. “When I woke up she was with me on that green planet, I bet she’s still there.” Jade was smiling, and murmured something in her sleep, something Dave couldn’t quite figure out. “Better than most of her random narcoleptic fits. Those ones she’s somewhat boned, always waking up on the red planet with that crazy blood guy who wants to kill her.”

“Oh.” Tavros grinned. “She looks, um, peaceful.” He took a look around the room, and his face paled. Well, as much as it could. There was Vriska, grabbing what Tavros assumed was a steak and putting it on her plate. Apparently her lusus had rubbed off on her, given her a taste for raw meat. Tavros bolted down the rest of his steak. “Um… I gotta go now.” And he tried to run past her… only for Vriska to grab him with her robot arm and sit him down across from her, poorly-hidden lust in her eye.

“Hello, Taaaaaaaavros,” she said, smiling at him. “Mind accompanying me for lunch?”

Dave winced as he saw Tavros’s unsuccessful escape attempt. “Spider, One. Bull, Zero.”

***

“…thirty-two days since the kiss seen ‘round the ship,” said Sollux. “I’m surprised I managed to pull you two apart for this long already.” Jade blushed. “It just seems like you and your matesprit are — sorry, you and your _boyfriend_ are together all the time. And your narcolepsy doesn’t help.”

“But Dave would be able to tell you that I’ve always been narcoleptic.” Sollux sighed and fiddled with his glasses. “It’s a part of who I am, I just don’t have my dreambot anymore.”

“Wait. You had a robot that would be able to communicate with us despite you being asleep?” Jade nodded. “Useful. Not a very bright idea, because if the robot overloaded near you you might get caught in the explosion, but a very useful piece of gadgetry. More useful than I would have expected from humans, anyway.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, it’s just that your inventions seem to be both primitive and useless. Half the things you’ve invented, according to your records, are things that troll society has never had need for. It’s very confusing.” He looked over at Jade, who was sleeping, leaning against the side of the ship. “Oh god dammit,” he said. He put on his messenger shades and began to speak to Dave.

 **  
_twinArmageddons began trolling  turntechGodhead [04:22]_   
TA: D2  
TA: ii thiink you need two come down here now  
TA: iit’2 JH  
TA: 2he’2 fallen a2leep agaiin   
TG: gog damn  
TG: look she doesnt need me babysitting her the whole time  
TG: just make sure nothing stupid evil comes to get her and if she starts shakin wake her up   
TA: 2hakiing  
TA: why would 2he 2tart two 2hake  
TA: ii2 iit a nervou2 condiitiion   
TG: something about her dreams  
TG: blood red planet  
TG: evil king  
TG: eviler prince  
TG: the works   
TA: priince2 arent 2uppo2ed two be eviil   
TG: this one is  
TG: its like hes the big evil guy  
TG: its him   
TA: ii dont get iit  
TA: your earth reference ii2 confu2iing   
TG: the point is hes fuckin evil   
TA: ii 2ee  
TA: 2o iif 2he begiin2 two 2hake  
TA: liike 2he ii2 riight now  
TA: ii 2hould ju2t wake her up   
TG: yeah  
TG: oh shit is she shaking now  
TG: hold on   
_turntechGodhead ceased pestering  twinArmageddons [04:30]_   
**

Sollux began trying to shake Jade awake, but it was no use. Neither were a few well-placed slaps. And while he knew how to awaken someone trapped in sleep, he couldn’t bring himself to kiss her. She was a stupid human, a fragile little thing of skin and meat. Whereas he was a troll, his proud gray carapace holding him together. Plus, she was pink. And her blood was weird mutant bright red blood. “Dammit, Dave, show up and wake up your goddamn mates — girlfriend.” The human romantic terms, despite being quite simple, still confused the hell out of Sollux.

It wasn’t long before Dave came. “I tried shaking her, but she was unresponsive,” replied Sollux. It was worse now, of course, because besides her constant shudder, she was now whimpering. Dave picked her up and cradled her. “Um… I’ll leave you two alone.” As he began to walk away, Dave grabbed his sleeve, still holding Jade’s curled-up body.

“Thanks,” he said. “I’m glad you were able to get hold of me so fast. Stay here a moment. I’d rather not have her wonder where you went.” Sollux still turned away as he bent down and kissed her awake. He turned around as soon as he heard Dave gasping for air. If nothing else, humans had enough strength to begin to choke each other with the simplest romantic gestures.

“Oh god Dave I’m so glad you’re here the dream was so scary that evil prince was chasing me and he had me cornered and you woke me up and you’re my hero oh god oh god oh god it was so scary…”

“JH,” said Sollux, “you’re kinda choking him.” She loosened her grip a little, and Dave took a deep breath. “Well, I guess I’ll just leave you two to the bonds of matespritship. Er. Boyfriend Girlfriendhood.” He paused. “Actually, maybe you two can help me understand something. I was wondering if you could help me confirm my suspicions about what’s going on with KK and TZ in the engine room.”

***

“Seventeen hours until the engines die,” said Rose, looking flatly at her conversational partner, “and you want to talk about _what?_ ”

“Well, I was just kinda wondering what the fuck kind of bitch-ass romantic shit you humans deal with,” said Gamzee, a somewhat spaced-out grin on his face. “I mean, fuck, man. Human romance sounds so fuckin’ uncomplicated, but it’s like hell if I know shit about you guys.”

Rose sighed. “OK, I’m sure you’re aware of how human romance works,” she said. “Now, there are varying depths. It’s something of a sliding scale, with those who have just met at one end and what hopeless romantics call ‘true love’ at the other end. In the middle, of course, is friendship.”

“So to humans, friendship is a motherfuckin’ emotion?”

“Not quite.” Rose frowned. “It would be more accurate to call friendship a conglomeration of mutual knowledge and a variety of emotional states which form a fragile ecosystem of cause and effect, the ultimate product of which is environment of well-intentioned competition and a bond between two or more individuals. An effect not unlike your concept of moiraillegiance, save that the emotions can also dip into the negative sphere. Love and friendship exist on a complicated spectrum.” Gamzee appeared to no longer be paying attention. Rose sighed. “Of course,” she said, glowering at him, “perhaps I should consider pruning my dialogue.”

“Hehehe,” muttered Gamzee. “Eh, it’s all good, Rose,” he said, giving her a hug before leaning back on his console chair and spinning around. “It was like listening to some motherfuckin’ dope-ass beats, shit was music to my fuckin’ auditory canals.” Rose sighed. Gamzee was both the most annoying and most understanding troll when it came to explaining human concepts. At least, such was her reaction. She hadn’t spent much time with Nepeta, which was a shame; she figured Egbert had begun educating her on some of humanity’s greatest pranks, but that was hardly a decent use of their time.

Gamzee grinned at her again. “You know what’d be fuckin’ sweet right now?  If Dave dropped in with some sweet gear to crank up some sick motherfuckin’ beats and get this shit runnin’ like a miracle wagon.” Rose resisted the heavy urge to facepalm at Gamzee’s comment.

***

“The point is that we’ve slowed down again,” said Karkat, pushing John away for a moment. “Not enough to completely avoid a collision, but hopefully it won’t be fatal when we _do_ crash into… well, into whatever the fuck is out there.”

“Maybe it’s like in those movies. We crash on an uncharted planet and have to survive.”

“Egbert, you have figured out exactly how to describe my living hell, haven’t you?” Karkat fired up the sensor array, preparing for the crash. “It’s getting a good look. Appears to be four planets orbiting a sun at varying distances, an asteroid field, and… are those buildings on the asteroids?”

“Sounds like there’s air here,” said John. “Why else would you build buildings on asteroids?”

“Don’t be stupid,” said Karkat. “Here, I’ll even prove it to you. Just gotta open up the interface for atmospheric sweeping, and it’ll prove that — “

Karkat didn’t have much of an opportunity to prove anything, though. The ship crashed headlong into an asteroid, which unfortunately tore through most of the hulls, damaging the engines and thrusters beyond repair and exposing the control room to what Karkat had assumed would be the vacuum of space. Apparently the ship had been expecting it, too, because immediately alarms began sounding. “Hull breach. Control chamber exposed. All awakened personnel are asked to vacate the area. Hull breach. Control chamber exposed. All awakened personnel are asked to vacate the area.”

John smacked the computer, sniffing at the air. “Seems OK to me.”

“Fucking weird,” said Karkat. “There isn’t supposed to be air in space.” He activated the atmospheric sensor array. “Let’s see what this bullshit piece of musclebeast dung says.”

After a few moments, the troll computer dinged. “Analysis complete. Atmosphere is approximately seventy-eight point zero eight percent nitrogen, twenty point nine five percent oxygen, zero point nine three percent argon, zero point zero four percent other assorted gasses.” It printed out a list. John laughed.

“Guess that proves you wrong, Karkat.” Karkat barely restrained the impulse to sock John in the face — he was approaching Equius’s strength, even if he lacked the blue-blood’s durability, and all because of one ridiculous choice in strife specibus. Hammers. Big, slow, dumb hammers, not like the quick, graceful, and agile sickle. “So… We should let everyone else know, yeah?”

“Yeah,” said Karkat. “We’ll split up. You go looking for your girlfriend and I’ll look for my matesprit.”

“Sounds like a plan,” said John, grinning. He made it halfway to the door before he managed to remember to add his reply. “She’s not my girlfriend!”

That was all Karkat needed. The high he got from that would last him all day. Or… whatever passed for day here. Shit was going to be confusing.


End file.
